Back in Black

It starts so innocently. We are all there gathered around the dining room table, the remains of a huge Thanksgiving feast occupying our plates. Perhaps it is the overload of tryptophan coursing through our veins that dulls our senses and makes what comes next inevitable. Someone will turn the conversation from the empty promises of never eating so much in one sitting ever again, a promise only to be broken on Christmas Day, to a census of who is actually working the next day.  As the number reaches a socially acceptable level, some will blurt out a suggestion. It is a suggestion wrought with peril and unbelievable danger. But in our full bellied stupor, we are oblivious to the risks involved. So we all agree to embark on this fools’ errand. We are going Christmas shopping together.

Blaque Friday. Even the name sounds ominous. I know that you may recognize it by its traditional spelling ”b-l-a-c-k”.  There are two reasons for spelling it as I do. First, I refuse to refer to that apocalyptic mayhem that will occur in the wee hours of the day after Thanksgiving by the same term that describes the color of my daughter’s favorite t-shirts and the last name of that master thespian that starred in such masterpieces as Nacho Libre and Shallow Hal. Secondly, I get sick and tired of losing every “friendly” game of Scrabble that we play at our house because I can’t get rid of the stinking Q, U and E tiles so I am committed to expanding the list of words one could spell with those letter tiles that I am convinced are direct from the fiery pits of Hell.

Anyway, back to my disdainful assessment of Blaque Friday. I guess it isn’t the complete embodiment of evil. I reserve that designation for the guys that invented Instant coffee and the accordian. It was bad enough when Satan’s shopping day started on Friday morn. But now, we can experience this crap-fest on Thursday night. I guess the Freemasons that run the secret world government( sorry turkey also makes me less resistant to outlandish conspiracy theories) have decided that it is not enough to have hordes of people descend on the local discount retailers as they elbow and pepper spray their way to purchasing a substandard flatscreen  television or $5 size smedium pajama bottoms. And based on the people lined up outside the Wal-mart last night, I would say it has been many a Christmas since they could fit into a smedium anything. No they have to start this retail trip to Thunderdome before the last serving of pumpkin pie has been eaten. There is even a term for this yearly advance, or Retail Blitzkreig.It is called the Thanksgiving Creep. It’s funny that I heard that term as soon as I pulled up at my in-laws house yesterday, probably just a coincidence. My biggest issue with this premature shopulation is that it has served to completely disrupt my Thanksgiving schedule. Here is the way things are supposed to go:

5:00am       Ignore one cat scratching on bed room door.

5:10am           Ignore both cats scratching on bedroom door.

5:11am           Explain to cats that I am not working today

5:11am           Realize that cats don’t care about my work schedule

5:12am           Remember why I hate cats

5:15am           Get out of bed

5:16am           Slam toe into edge of door.

5:16am      Release string of 37 obscenities

5:17am           Hobble into kitchen and get out coffee beans

5:18am           Miss coffee grinder reservoir and pour beans all over floor.

5:19am           Look for broom and dustpan

5:20am           Find broom

5:22am           Give up looking for dustpan and kick coffee beans underneath refrigerator.

5:23am           Grind new batch of coffee beans and pour into coffee pot. Turn on coffee pot.

5:24am           Walk into hallway to turn down heater.

5:25am           Notice burning smell.

5:30am           Realize forgot to put water in coffee pot. Drop “f-bomb”. Unplug coffee pot

5:35am           Decide to go out for coffee.

5:36am           Consider brushing teeth, taking shower, getting dressed and combing hair.

5:37am           Put on baseball cap and grab car keys.

5:40am           Arrive at donut shop.

5:41am           Recognize former high school classmate entering donut shop that I haven’t seen in years

5:41am           Make u-turn. Head home to brush teeth, take shower, get dressed and comb hair.

6:00am           Return to donut shop.

6:01am           Talk to former classmate. Make empty promise to keep in touch. Remember reason hadn’t talked to classmate in years. Vow to keep it that way.

6:20am           Return home with coffee and newspaper.

6:21am           Realize I forgot to grab house keys

6:22am           Start to ring doorbell to have other family members unlock door for me.

6:23am           Remember reaction to last time woke up family members on holiday.

6:24am           Decide to crawl in through window.

6:26am           Explain to policeman that I live here and why I am breaking in to own house.

6:35am           Get called idiot by civil servant. Remember not to contribute to Police Benevolent Society this year.

6:45am           Finally sit down to newspaper and lukewarm coffee.

6:46am           Wonder who Luke is and why the heck he got a temperature named after him.

6:47am           Promise to never make that joke again.

6:48am           Begin to read newspaper for only time this year.

6:54am           Finish reading newspaper. Realize newspaper sucks.

7:00am           Log on to computer.

7:01am           Send birthday greetings to person I barely know.

7:02am           Realize that have lots to do so will just check email and get off computer.

9:35am           Get off computer.

9:36am           Head to kitchen to make gourmet breakfast.

9:37am           Eat cold Pop-Tarts from wrapper.

9:45am           Begin preparing desserts and side dish for taking to Thanksgiving Dinner.

10:00am        Head to store to get items for desserts and side dish that I forgot to buy.

10:30am        Arrive home and put items in fridge.

10:35am        Realize there is no room in fridge.

10:36am        Remove six pack of beer from fridge to “make room”.

10:37am        Decide it is a holiday so I can drink one beer at noon.

10:39am        Drink entire six pack.

Noon               Wake up in bathroom floor.

12:10p.m.      Stagger back to kitchen to continue making desserts and side dish for taking to Thanksgiving Dinner.

1:00p.m.        Begin to consider if 2 bags of Cheetos would make appropriate side dish.

2:30p.m.        Complete cooking and load food into car.

2:32p.m.        Slam hand in door and scream obscenities.

2:33p.m.        Apologize to Reverend neighbor for language.

2:35p.m.        Depart for in-laws’ house.

2:43p.m.        Return home to pick up child that was left behind.

2:44p.m.        Make bad Home Alone joke .

2:45p.m.        Get dirty look from spouse.

3:30p.m.        Arrive at in-laws’ house.

3:35p.m.        Explain to spouse that it is headache not hangover.

3:36p.m.        Get dirty look from spouse.

3:40p.m.        Open in-laws’ medicine cabinet to search for aspirin.

3:41p.m.        Slam medicine cabinet shut. Vow to never open relatives’ medicine cabinet ever again.

3:45p.m.        Fix plate of food.

3:47p.m.        Am asked to lead family thanksgiving prayer. Begin to thoughtfully express my feelings of gratititude.

3:49p.m.        Get bored and so I start to chant ,”Kali ma” and pretend to rip heart from nephew’s chest.

3:50p.m.        Pick up plate and go eat outside.

3:55p.m.        Make fun of homely kid playing next door.

4:00p.m.        Learn people at table are homely kid’s parents.

4:01p.m.        Pick up plate and head in to sit inside.

4:02p.m.        Realize sliding glass door was closed wehen I tried to walk through it.

4:03p.m.        Clean up mess.

4:10p.m.        Listen to wife’s family talk about relatives that I have never met. Think those relatives are probably glad.

4:20p.m.        Begin to size up which relative would survive the longest in zombie apocalypse. Decide it is creepy ex-con uncle. Decide to go pick up survival tips from him.

4:30p.m.        Push away plate and swear to never eat again.

4:40p.m.        Eat again.

5:00p.m.        Retire to living room to watch football game I don’t care about.

5:15p.m.        Make fearful comment whenever team scores and pretend to call “bookie”

5:18p.m.        Get bored with it and just decide to watch game.

5:25p.m.        Hear in-laws snoring on couch. Ask wife for feather and shaving cream. Wife responds to “grow up”.

5:26p.m.        Decide to go outside and play ball with kids.

5:30p.m.        Tells nephew he throws like girl.

5:31p.m.        Discover that I am playing with niece. Vow to get eyes checked.

5:35p.m.        I miss ball and try to plunger out dent in car door.

6:00p.m.        Start to say goodbyes in order to leave.

9:00p.m.        Actually leave.

9:15p.m.        Return to in-laws to pick up spouse I left behind.

9:17p.m.        Spouse begins to google search for lawyers.

 

On second thought, maybe Black Friday can’t come soon enough.

THNKS FR TH MMRS

“Thank you India, thank you terror, thank you disillusionment “-Alanis Morrisette

I was raised in a southern house. The food was generally fried and featured a meat product in every dish. It was a house where you cleaned your plate before you had dessert. You learned that you could live without a heater but not air conditioning.  You had grits instead of hash browns, you called them sweet potatoes not yams and the only tea was sweetened and iced. You never took yourself too seriously and you learned more lessons at home than you did at school.  The most important of these lessons was a rather simple one: Mind your manners.

You addressed adults as mister or misses. You blessed people when they sneezed. You patted them on the back when they coughed. You looked someone in the eye when you shook their hand. You wished them a good day. You said, ”Yes sir” or “No Ma’am” even if the person you were addressing was the same age as you. You said,  ”please”. But most of all, you showed your upbringing was proper by saying “thanks”. Thank the waiter who was just doing his job. Thank the stranger that said   ”God Bless you” after you sneezed. Thank you for not smoking. Thank you for your business. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  It becomes so routine to thank people that the actual concept of gratitude becomes lost in what become nothing more than empty words. I would like to think that I have a strength of character that the words mean something to me but know that the reality is that just are a vacant gesture. The question is how to put some gratitude back into my thank you’s. I guess Thanksgiving is a good day to start.  So here are the things I am grateful for:

·         I am grateful to my wife for not killing me in my sleep although I often deserve it.

·         I am grateful for having the patience to extend the same courtesy to my children.

·        I am grateful for friends that treat me like family and relatives that treat me like strangers because they both prove that it is the bonds of affection that bind us not genetics.

·        I am grateful for sci-fi and sports for giving me something to occupy my time with because otherwise I would be spending it making myself a more productive human being.

·        I am grateful for the bad job I no longer have and the good job I do.

·        I am grateful for free Wi-fi.

·        I am grateful for one hour lunches.

·        I am grateful for the cafe at work because it gives those lacking the culinary skills to work at a public school lunchroom gainful employment.

·        I am grateful that I have not yet eaten at that odd smelling Indian restaurant.

·        I am grateful for baseball games with my son and concerts with my daughter.

·        I am grateful for my wife giggling when she reads what I write.

·        I am grateful for Facebook for letting me see the psychotic ramblings of the people I know.

·        I am grateful that after 20 years, I sometimes still refer to her as my girlfriend.

·        I am grateful for kids that act their age and adults who don’t.

·        I am grateful for chocolate, marshmallows and gummi bears.

·        I am grateful that I live in a Navy town because when I talk about “the men in uniform” , they are real people.

·        I am grateful for Moon River and Dahlia’s.

·        I am grateful for good coffee and great beer.

·        I am grateful for Saturday mornings at Edgewood Bakery and Sunday afternoons at Dreamette.

·        I am grateful for my kids’ good public schools and the teachers that actually care.

·        I am grateful for the strength certain people show when faced with illness because it reminds me how easy I really have it.

·        I am grateful that the seventh grade girls on the bus like my boys hair.

·        I am grateful that the 20 year olds at FSCJ haven’t noticed my daughter’s.

·        I am grateful for Family Guy, Regular Show, and Walking Dead for proving that quality t.v. shows still exist.

·        I am grateful for the word “swag”, because it just sounds cool.

·        I am grateful that I still believe that things will get better.

·        I am grateful for Target for giving me somewhere to go when Wal-mart pisses me off.

·        I am grateful that the bruises healed.

·        I am grateful that our Krispy Kreme is coming back.

·        I am grateful that Krispy Kreme left because if not I would weigh 600 pounds.

·        I am grateful for the morally upstanding people I call my role models and the morally questionable ones that I call my friends.

·        I am grateful that they haven’t “Baker Acted” me, yet.

·        I am grateful that my bank doesn’t have a minimum balance requirement.

·        I am grateful for the people who give a damn.

·        I am grateful that I work for a company that gives to charity.

·        I am grateful that I have a job.

·         I am grateful for my imperfect family at my messy house, on a lousy street, in a crappy neighborhood, in a boring town.

I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Thanks…for nothing

I am not quite the religious scholar that I frequently pretend to be. Kind of like my knowledge of the Twilight series, I know the major characters and have a thumbnail understanding of the plot but some of the subtle nuance escapes me. Unfortunately, my having a small amount of knowledge prevents me from completely keeping my mouth shut when asked the more complex questions about religious dogma. The resulting open mouth awe at my utter stupidity does lead to some socially uncomfortable situations. For example the other day, I was having a fascinating conversation about sin, when my intellectual opponent challenged me to list the Seven Deadly Sins. Apparently, wearing white after Labor Day is not one of them and neither are Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy and Doc. Personally I am not so quick to discount Sneezy from the list because there is something inherently evil in his red nose and bloodshot eyes, but I digress. My opponent in this intellectual game of tiddlywinks pointed out that the actual Seven Deadly Sins are: Lust, Greed, Envy, Pride, Anger, Gluttony and Sloth. Now the first six, I am not so sure of but I can’t argue with the last. I hate sloths. I will not tolerate any animal that spends that much time upside down. So you better watch your ass, opossums.

What? It means laziness? Darn you public school education. You let me down again. Let’s see. Where was I? Oh yes. Laziness, Lust, Greed, Envy, Pride, Anger and Gluttony. Or as we like to call them….the seven steps to a Happy Thanksgiving. Now I love my family and it is amazing how well we can behave when we go out together. But it seems that we always get mistreated when we do. Oh so sorry Waitress from Denny’s that we weren’t as classy as your normal clientele. O.k., everybody knows I just added that last line as hyperbole because we all know that the ability to use the word “clientele” in a sentence automatically disqualifies you from employment at Denny’s. Even our recent pilgrimage to P.F. Chang’s was a bit of a challenge.  Now don’t get me wrong, Chang’s is a fine establishment but I did have a few issues with the meal. First of all, and I don’t mean to be culturally insensitive here, but it’s hard to view the food as authentic when there is not one single employee of Asian descent anywhere in the restaurant. I am not saying that they should hire people solely based on ethnicity but there should not be more Asian-Americans at the Orange Tree in the mall than there are at the place that serves Mandarin Duck. My only other complaint is in the food. No, it tastes fine but the portions were just a wee bit small for our liking.  I understand that due to the cost of duck and beef that the entrees’ size may need to be limited, but rice? Was there some sudden change in food costs that makes rice super expensive? Last time I looked, you could get a 50 pound bag of the stuff for like $1.79 and yet it was treated like some rare luxury at our dinner Sunday night. There was more rice in the cuffs of my pants on my wedding day than there were on our table that seated 6 people. I guess the lesson learned is that our family should just stick to gathering for meals at our homes and not restaurants.

And everyone knows that the best meal to gather as a family and eat is Thanksgiving. I love Turkey Day. It is truly the greatest confluence of the things I love in one gravy covered bowl. Let’s look at the basic elements and why they are, as the Chief Massasoit called them, ”Freakin Awesome”.

TURKEY.

I think turkey is the greatest of all barnyard animals. It’s slow and stupid and easy to catch, and unlike the name for the male of the chicken variety, it’s impossible to turn its name into a sexual double entendre. This last point is especially important in our family since most of the men cuss like sailors because they were all at one time…sailors. It is also a superior meat to be the focus of a holiday due to the pure size of it. It’s not like everybody keeps 3 or 4 turkeys in the freezer for any random week night dinner. The fact is that I am not even sure if you can buy a turkey outside the month of November. I also have a special place in my heart and on my plate for turkey due to turkey’s prominence in one of Benjamin Franklin’s greatest public defeats. It is a little known historical fact that Benjamin Franklin was a staunch advocate of naming the turkey as our national bird. He had some beef with the Bald Eagle and said its character was not worthy of being our national bird. Now the turkey is a fine animal but I don’t think your national bird should be one that can drown itself because it lacks the intelligence to shut its mouth when it rains. Another little known historical fact: I hate Benjamin Franklin. Always have and always will. And the fact that the turkey is an example of Mr. Franklin being publicly embarrassed is all the more reason for me to love it. It also explains my complete hatred for the pot bellied stove, bifocals and the public library system and why I refuse to own any coin published by those fools at the Franklin Mint.

 

PRESENTS.

 

Best part about Thanksgiving presents? There ain’t none. No shopping. No wrapping. No “I wonder if this will fit”. Cook a meal. Eat a meal. Take a nap. Now that’s a great holiday.

 

PARADES.

 

Now, as a general rule I am not that huge a fan of parades. Oh goody, another high school marching band murdering the hits of John Philip Sousa is not exactly riveting entertainment.  I guess the thing about parades that makes them so boring is they are a form of entertainment that is completely devoid of risk.  I like to be entertained by something that could go unbelievably wrong at any moment and may result in injury or even more preferable, abject humiliation. And you don’t get more bang for your buck in the risk department than with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. It all seems so wholesome. It comes on television at 10 a.m. on the day when everyone is home, so there is nothing risky about that right? Wrong. Even the introduction is a gamble. The intro is the most dishonest two minutes of television history. The silky smooth baritone of the voice over guy announces ever celebrity’s name like it’s the second coming of Laurence Olivier performing Hamlet. I love how he sums up all of the gravitas that he can muster to introduce a reunion of the cast of Perfect Strangers or actor who played Skippy on Family Ties. I also thoroughly admire his professionalism as he feigns enthusiasm as he introduces every has-been actor and no-longer cute enough to be on Disney Channel ingénue that will be featured for a grand total of 18 seconds sandwiched between the next four hours of  bad lip-synced performances and performing proofs that Broadway is dead. I also love the way they haphazardly assign the celebrities to the various floats they will be riding on. At our house we like to turn it into a great drinking game. You take one shot for a mildly awkward pairing and two shots for a completely bizarre parade match. “Oh my lord! Did they just say that next up is the Teletubbies float featuring the cast of 50 Shades of Gray? Somebody hand me the bottle.”

And for pure unadulterated danger, nothing beats giant inflatable cartoon characters being controlled what by looks like the cast of Degrassi. I just love how no one finds it reckless that they take these gigantic animated versions of the Hindenberg and try to maneuver then down one of the busiest streets in the United States. Even better yet, remember what happened when Snoopy collided with a building a couple of years ago and the chunks of concrete that fell off and killed someone. The response was that the following year they put guidelines in that only certain balloons could be flown if the winds were more than 25 miles per hour. 25 m.p.h.? The school zone in my neighborhood is only 15. Maybe no one has realized the danger of gas filled balloons in an urban parade. Apparently they never saw the end of the first Batman movie.

Most of all I love the pure aw shucks awesomeness of the entertainment that the Macy’s parade provides. It is like entertainment paella, lots of really weird ingredients that combine to make something utterly delicious. There is the joy of watching marching band after marching band stroll by and know that everyone of them probably go to a better high school than you went to. There is that complete train wreck of the coverage by the cast of the Today show and the belief that at any moment Ann Curry may show up and deal out some morning show justice. There is the slight feeling of sadness every time that Al Roker is on the screen. Boy I sure do miss the fat Al Roker but at least I now know that no matter how much weight you lose that your head stays the exact same size. Most of all, there is the magic, even at my age, of the appearance of Santa and the ushering in of the best time of year. Christmas still has some magic left in it and it gives me an excuse to be nice without the usual sarcasm I employ to protect my ego. Most of all, I know that the parade must be awesome, or else how could they keep using it to fool people into watching the dog show that comes on after it and think that is entertainment.

 

FOOTBALL.

 

Thanksgiving without football would be just sad and pathetic. And we already have a holiday that is sad and pathetic, we call it my birthday. I love football and no amount of tryptophan can take the luster off these feelings. No I am not talking about the NFL triple header that fills the t.v. screen but rather the game of sand lot football that breaks out each Thanksgiving Day with out fail. It always starts out as a relaxed and friendly game of catch but soon evolves into final act from The Longest Yard. It’s good to get out in the cool air and engage in some healthy competition with the people you love, but why when we start the game up do I always end up covering my 18 year old varsity football playing nephew. He ends up being more open than a 7-11. After I fake my umpteenth asthma attack of the game I finally get someone else with that special “it” to cover him…yeah it’s called athletic ability. That’s when I get to settle in for the position that I was born to play, head hunting middle linebacker. I don’t care who are. If you are going to run a crossing route across the middle, get ready for some pain. “Jeesh Grandma!  Stop you whining! I will buy you another cane.” Ultimately the game winds down so that means its time for our other physical activity, eating.

 

HISTORY.

 

Thanksgiving is above all, the ultimate American holiday. It involves family, food and fun. It is a holiday that at its center is about being grateful for the freedoms we enjoy and that particular thing that made our country what it is today, having the Indians help us survive and then stealing their land.

 

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone…………………………………..everyone but the sloths.