Well, here we are. We made it past the end of the word. No, I am not talking about that Mayan world’s gonna blow up crap. Everybody knows that the Mayans didn’t know diddly about predicting the future, or else they would have seen that inviting the Spanish invaders in for some tea and crumpets would have been a really bad idea. However, if the Aztecs would have predicted the world was going to end, sh#@ would have got real. I am talking about making it through the year 2012, which at several points this year seemed like a never ending big bowl o’ crap. It was like eating at Hell‘s Olive Garden. It had moments of moderate improvement and then got unbelievably worse. I just need to face the facts, 2012 was basically like all 3 of the Transformers movies. No, I am not talking about the cool animated Transformer movie that came out when I was in Junior High( oh thank you Duval County Public Schools for adding one more feeling of inferiority to my 8-9 grade years by forever making me refer to it as ‘junior”) and had Dinobots in it and when Optimus Prime died you actually cried, or maybe that was just me. No, 2012 was just like the Michael Bay “let’s CG everything” Transformer movies. It started slow, got o.k. in the middle and then just devolved into nothing but noise and failure that you end up hoping that someone would just end the damn thing. Well as the the final credits roll for this year, and no, I am not going to wait around to see if there is one more foreshadowing- laden scene midway through the closing credits, I think it is time to reflect on the things that happened this year and what lessons that can be obtained from them.
So with no further ado, here are The Things that I have Learned, 2012:
- Don’t underestimate the value of a quality tour guide, as a result of a certain unnamed,( not to protect his identity, it’s just that he wasn’t interesting enough to commit his name to memory) guide’s lack of zeal for his job, the civilized world has been exposed to six months of me typing out my cray cray.
- Grown men should not use words like “cray cray”.
- With regards to bosses, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.
- If when explaining your boss you have to resort to an analogy involving the word “devil”, then you probably have made some unwise career choices.
- My most rock and roll moment: In the pit and at the front of the crowd at the Van’s Warped Tour.
- My least rock and roll moment: Standing at an Asking Alexandria concert and thinking that that kid in front of me with the stale smelling t-shirt should really switch to Tide with Febreze.
- Rotate your tires and check your brakes.
- That guy at Pep Boys is a jerk.
- Being unemployed is great, until the bills come in.
- Having a job is great, until you have to leave the house.
- I could remember a lot more important things if my brain wasn’t full of t.v. theme songs and my locker combinations from seventh grade.
- Kim Kardasian and Kanye West make a perfect couple. She has a huge ass and he acts like one.
- It’s pretty clear that the guy that makes Adventure Time does drugs.
- When deciding whether or not to work for a company, just visit their breakroom and see if they have powdered creamer for the coffee. If a company won’t pony up for half and half, you can probably forget about any future raises.
- If you ask someone on the telephone more than once how to pronounce their name, you are legally obligated to use that name at least 5 times during the conversation. Otherwise, just call me “sir” and get on with your business.
- Watching the local news in HD is a great way to find out that you live in a town full of ugly people.
- Beer and pizza>beer>water
- Beer and pizza with friends> just about everything else
- I think it’s a compliment when people you just met say they want you to hang around because they find you entertaining. At least I hope it is.
- If you are in front of me in line at a store, I hate you. Nothing personal it’s just I got places to go.
- I want to see snow and go to Disney World, just not at the same time.
- The list of people that I actually like seems to be getting shorter on a daily, but those still on the list I seem to like more.
- The levels of intoxication are: Sober, Relaxed, Happy Drunk, Sloppy Drunk, Wasted, and “No I didn’t realize that guy was being a jerk to me”.
- I can drive a golf cart like a sumbitch.
- Just because I am going into the kitchen does not mean you are about to get fed, cat………..or kids.
- I am still genetically incapable of keeping my darn ideas to myself.
- Home runs are a lot more fun when it’s your team that hits them.
- If the “get fit ideas” on the internet were half as appealling as the “get fat” recipes on Pinterest then I wouldn’t have to keep buying new pants.
- Attention Facebook members( like its a club or something): Please stop posting every whimsical picture and/or ecard that you find on the interwebs. Facebook is for posting pictures of your children, sending birthday wishes to people you really don’t care about, complaining about your job and posting political opinions that I don’t agree with.
- George Takei is exempt from the previous rule.
- Do not let your kids name the new kitten unless you don’t mind saying the words “Pootie Pie” in a crowded vet’s office.
- Haircuts are overrated.
- People should be be classified not by race nor by sex but by whether they keep putting the twist tie back on the bag of the bread or just twist the bag and tuck it underneath. Twist tiers unite, the revolution is coming.
- After twelve years of bathing, my son still doesn’t remember he will need a towel until after he gets in the shower.
- As part of Disney’s purchase of Star Wars, I hope they add Jar Jar to the shooting gallery at Frontierland.
- If you like two different football teams, there should be a rule that they both can’t suck in the same year.
- According to my marriage license, I got married on Febraury 28, 1992. According to my Facebook timeline, I got married on March 1,2009. Does that mean I have 17 years worth of saying something stupid that I have to do all over again?
- Parents celebrate their kids’ birthdays because we went 365 days without killing our children……..yet.
- AA batteries make great although noisy cat toys.
- This year is going to be great…….because it has to be.
the things I have learned 