Hell to the Chief

Politics, n:  [Poly “many” + tics “blood-sucking parasites”]  ~Larry Hardiman

They say that politics is the second oldest profession that has an uncanny similarity to the first oldest profession. Well since I have decided to change professions and my bad knees make walking the streets a less than acceptable option, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring. So it is now that I, with great patriotic fervor and as many meaningless cliches as I can muster, announce my candidacy for the office of mayor….no, governor…..um is Sith Lord an elected position? No,really? O.k.,o.k. I guess I will just run for president. But before I sell my soul, I mean present my great solutions to the American people, I would like to make a few changes to the entire political system first. Cause trust me, it needs a lot of tinkering.

First of all, let me profess my love for the American political system. It is a great country and the freedoms that we have should never be taken for granted. In the little over 2  centuries that have passed since its founding, we have survived dangerous influences from both outside as well as from within to make us the nation we are today. This is mostly due to those great heroes of virtue that we call our founding fathers. These were great men  that many people believe are without reproach and you should not alter a single thing they did or said. Except for the whole slavery part….oh yeah and the part where women were treated as property……and oops sorry about us trying to kill off all the Indians…..and that “Irish need not apply” thing……. and they hated the Catholics….and the Jews…..and don’t forget most of them were not actually what we today would refer to as ” religious christians”. However, the biggest problem I have with the founding fathers has to do with their fashion sense. I mean really , Knickers and powdered wigs? I think not. None of this makes what they did any less remarkable but it also shows the fallibility of them as men and that the things they did may need to be changed in light of the progress we have made as a nation. It is kind of like that great dog you had as a kid, you still love him but it doesn’t mean you still don’t remember how ticked you were at him when he chewed up your baseball mitt. So here are a few of my proposals to make what I like to call Democracy 2.1

The whole “right to vote” is great and all but quit acting like your one vote makes a damn bit of difference. It’s called the electoral college and no that’s not what I would refer to as a party school. Simply put, it means that a select group of electors cast the votes that are tallied to elect the president and each elector may vote for the candidate  that the state he represents has popularly chosen, or he may cast a huge middle finger to the wishes of his state and vote for whomever the hell he chooses. Ain’t democracy great?

The ” one man one vote” idea is a concept whose time has past. If I can cast 2000 votes for the talentless hack that scammed the system to make into the final of American Idol, then I should be able to vote just as many times for the next leader of the free world.

We have got to jazz up the whole election process. I really enjoy how the Rock  The Vote people run out a bunch of random rock stars to encourage me to vote. Thank you other guy in Wham, I really appreciate how you have educated me on the importance of my civic duty. Although it is nice to see celebrities perform public service that was not ordered by a court, I am not sure if they really should be encouraging people to do anything other than quit illegally downloading their latest c.d. Be that as it may, the reason for these musical heavy hitters to do these ads is to show the young voters how cool the whole voting experience can be. Well Mr.  Idealistic 18 year-old first time voter, prepare for disappointment. There is absolutely nothing rock and roll about about waiting in line on a November day until some octogenarian version of Elsa the female Gestapo checks your i.d. and lets you into the basement of some run-down public library so you can go behind a moth eaten curtain left over from the Spanish American war and randomly choose the names of politicians, who you may or may not of ever heard of. At least we use the most cutting edge technology in our voting process., pulling a lever. Nice to know our entire political process is relying on a mechanism that resembles the board game Mousetrap. Since we are letting Milton Bradley control the machinery of our Democracy, I select all of my candidates based on what number is shown on my game of Pop-a-matic Trouble. We can do better than this people. If major league baseball can trust the internet do select its all star team then shouldn’t we be able to do so for our yearly elections. I know that the concern is and always has been about the security of voting online and the inherent fraud that the internet is known for. Have you seen the way we are electing people lately? It isn’t exactly that the machine of our republic is running on all cylinders. At least on the internet you expect to get scammed. I mean honestly is there that big of a difference between the Nigerian Lottery email and the majority of our candidates? They both bother you at the most inconvenient times, are pretending to be someone that they are not , and promise to give you things that you know are never going to happen. Oh my lord, I just described every member of congress. We go into every election knowing that we are about to get screwed. If that is the way its going to be, put it on the web so I can at least soften the blow with some free porn and funny cat videos.

Now that we have tightened the crescent wrench around the lug nuts of the voting process, let’s talk about candidates. I know you think whatever guy is running against your particular candidate is the devil incarnate destined to pilot our country straight to hell, but I have a little bit of news for you. Your candidate sucks too. Its not your fault. It’s just that thanks to the huge amounts of money in politics and the power involved, all the candidates suck. They are either big money guys bought and sold by major corporations or they are false-populists who see getting elected as a way to fame and influence. And attention to both libs and conservatives, both are the wrong guy. People ask why we don’t get better politicians. The answer is simple. Because, we don’t look for them in the right place. The majority of our elected officials are either lawyers or businessmen, not exactly the two classes of people known for high moral values. And neither class looks to change their stripes any time soon. Have any other fields produced solid political figures? Well, there are actors. Despite what your feelings may be about his policies, Ronald Reagan seemed like a good man and was a talented politician but was the exception rather than the rule. Remember that even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. Since Reagan’s exit from the political stage , the other actors to join the fray has not been shall we say noteworthy. We even elected someone from LoveBoat, no not Captain Stubbing, nor Doc, and not even Isaac the Bartender. No siree, they elected Gopher to Congress. That’s just sad. But wait there is even one worse than that. That great state of Georgia elected Ben Jones to represent them in Washington. Ben Jones? Yeah, that’s right. Cooter from The Dukes of Hazard was a member of the national legislature, seems only fitting. Hell we even elected half of Sonny and Cher to political office, and it was Sonny. You remember Sonny Bono. He was the short mustached guy that tried to blow up the shuttle in Airplane 2. I need to give some slack to Sonny. First of all for actually being married to Cher and not killing her and secondly due to the fact that he died shortly after taking office when he skied into a tree while on vacation. Dear Lord, I know that I will probably not die with dignity but please, I ask that I do not die in a way that resembles a Wile. E. Coyote cartoon. Amen.

Now, on to my own candidacy. It is now that I declare myself a candidate for President of the Federation of Planets…er I mean the United States of America. I have decided to run because I believe that a country gets the politicians that it deserves. And let’s face it America, we deserve each other. Its like America was misbehaving and I am here to be your national version of Timeout. Why vote for me? Do I have some grand plan for the future? No. Do I guarantee economic stability? Not really. Do I have a clue what I will do? Nope. But unlike most politicians I have a unique qualification that makes me electable. I tell the truth. Do I have skeletons in my closet? Yes I do. Are their embarrassing pictures of me on the internet? Absolutely. Do I drink too much and drop f-bombs at inappropriate times? You betcha. The difference is that I won’t lie to you about it. We expect politicians to fix so much of America’s problems that they are doomed for failure. My solution is to drive down expectations. Here is what I promise to America:

  • I promise if elected that I will wear a paper hat that says “Trainee” for the first two years of my term.
  • I promise not to blame my mistakes on the previous administration but rather on the family of trolls that inhabit the west wing of the Whitehouse.
  • I promise to not spend the government’s money on fancy inauguration balls but rather on the most kick ass keg party in history.
  • I promise that the to bring back the real N.F.L. refs
  • I promise to pick Lindsey Lohan to be my running mate. It’s time to put the vice back in Vice-President.
  • I promise that I will actually admit it when I am wrong.
  • I promise to replace the Star Spangled banner with a song people actually can sing.
  • I promise that every football game gets a flyover
  • I promise to make being a Kardasian a federal offense.
  • I promise to move the capital from Washington to Disney world. It’s called Main Street U.S.A for a reason. Besides, if we are going to have a Mickey Mouse government, we ought to be where he is.
  • I promise to eliminate school uniforms from every school in the country. I will remove the thugs from our schools not just make them wear khakis.
  • I promise to help with the federal deficit by having all services be on a pay per use basis. Call out the police, you get a bill. Need the fire department, you get a bill.  Alaska invaded by Russia, in lieu of a bill I will ask that the Russians just keep Sarah Palin.
  • I promise to insist that the auto industry not make electric cars. I will demand that they make FLYING electric cars.

I am sure there will be other promises made later. I figure now all I need is a really good slogan. Let’s see. From what I have seen, all you need is a good cliche and you are in. Hope and Change? Taken. I like Ike? No, my names not Ike. Lefty loosy righty tighty? No seems too alliterative. I think I have it.

“At least we ain’t Canada. Vote Johnson 2012”

Good night and God Bless America.

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Just say nyet

“I want a new drug”- Huey Lewis

That egg always looked pretty tasty to me. You know the one I am talking about.That’s right, the one from the commercial. Yeah, that commercial. It was far too dramatic to forget. The stark white kitchen. The guy in the dress shirt with the rolled up sleeves, who happened to resemble the Dean of Boys at my junior high school. The pan. And the egg. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” Yeah I have a question. Are you gonna put some butter or oil in that cast iron pan or not? Because that egg is just going to get all stuck to the pan if you don’t and the whole breakfast is going to be ruined. Personally I always thought the fried egg analogy for drug abuse was just too obvious and not quite the deterrent that the lovely people at the Partnership for a Drug Free America thought it would be. First of all, not everybody really likes eggs. Personally, thanks to a specific bout with car sickness while riding through the wastelands of rural South Carolina back when I was 4 on the same morining that I had eaten an egg salad sandwich, I never really cared for eggs. And the first rule for a truly effective analogy is to strike a emotional cord when introducing your analogy. By the way, the second rule of using analogies is always avoid using the word “sphincter”.

Since I don’t like eggs, comparing my brain to one was really rather pointless. Secondly, if you really wanted to drive home the dangers of drugs, use a different cooking method. I don’t know about you, but when I was a teenager and we were going out to challenge the amount of toxins our bodies could intake in a single Friday night, we usually talked about going out and getting “fried”. So Mr. Sansa-belt Slacks comes along in his public service announcement and uses a visual manifestation to prove our point. Thanks for that, my now deceased brain cells appreciate it. A far better and clearly more effective warning would be to scrap the whole egg image altogether. Instead, they should have played the bacon card. EVERYBODY LOVES BACON, except for the commies and yeah those guys from P.E.T.A. who never smile( see the connection?) Bacon is love personified in porcine form. And the whole way that bacon is produced and consumed says more about the dangers of drugs than a dozen sunny-side up chicken embryos do. First, while eggs are produced one at a time and are actually part of the reproduction of rather unsanitary creatures, bacon comes in a group. Its called a slab of bacon, look the term “slab” also works as a foreshadowing  of the ominiuos world of drugs. You peal off one slice of bacon away from his companions, like being the first guy tossed out of the bar, and he goes into the frying pan alone. But, he doesn’t quietly simmer like ole mr. egg. No sir, he hisses and pops and lets out little audible indications of the destructive power of the hot pan. He also begins to shrivel and brown until all that is left of him is something that resembles stringy leather. Personally, after many a Boys’ Night Out, I have looked and felt exactly the same way. Finally unlike eggs which are less than $2.00 per dozen, a good section of bacon can eat up a large part of your grocery budget.

Despite the weakness in the comparison, the fact that the “brain on drugs” ad was the first to openly identify the need to curtail the increasing intoxication of the youths of America, this warning did have an impact on me. No not back in my heyday when I was 10 feet tall and bulletproof, but years later as I retired my role as “partyboy” and took on a new one as “Dad”. I have previosly mentioned that i had fully intended on telling whatever kids I had all about my wild days and how if they just were honest with me, I would guide them through the mind altering pleasures of an alcohol and THC enriched experience. It was after I saw the delicate creature that was laid in my arms on that late May afternoon, that I saw the folly in thinking that way. And it was the “brain on drugs” ad, that creeped back into my consciousness. Whether it be bacon or eggs, I was not allowing any part of my daughter into that proverbial pan. So we advocated the abstaining from all drugs, including tobacco and alcohol for as long as my child resided under my roof. She is now 16 and we are quite proud of how she has maintained a toxin free life. My wife and I even congratulated ourselves on how well we had appleid the lessons that a public service announcement from our youth had helped us. But beware the mental high five as a parent, because it can cloud your vision.

My kid is drug free and doesn’t smoke and if those are the only things that you think you have to ward off, you are sadly mistaken. The dangers are everywhere and most are not as obvious as a joint or tab of LSD. Oh how I wish they were. There are the dangers of  low self esteem. The dangers of a  overly sexualized culture. A world where the technological advances have created a class of kids that don’t understand the differences between the online persona they present to strangers on the web and who they really are. Where terms like sexting and online Friends with benefits are a gateway to the kind of  behavior that can endanger not just a child’s future happiness but also jeopardize their very lives. It is a world where honesty is immaterial and trust is elusive. It is a world where they grow up too soon and yet mature far too slowly. It is also a world that has so much beauty and goodness and opportunities to excell that you don’t want to shut them off from the world, but are afraid of what one misstep could mean.

You love your kids and hope they love you. You care for them and hope they understand that, because you love them you will never stop snooping or prying or asking them how their day was. It is a world where you second guess every decision you make and are always fearful of that one time when you pushed them too far. You also realize that you are in a world that you cannot control and at times you are just as lost and confused as they are. But you are a parent so you don’t give up. While most of what you do are shots in the dark that you hope find their mark, your intentions are always simple. Keep them safe and keep them happy. But at times you have to sacrifice one of these goals and so you keep them safe. You also search the world for wisdom and guidance and so strongly desire a way to have the kind of clearly planned actions that your own parents did but soon you realize they did what you are doing. Hoping to make the right choices and in the end that’s all you can do. Except there is no end, no finish line, no curtain drawing upon this morality play. There is just today and tomorrow. One minute transforming into the next. So you love your kids and hope they understand……………….

that you are just trying to keep them out of the pan.

Last Wheel and Testament

“Who’s gonna drive you home, tonight?”- The Cars

As you may have heard me mention, I really love history. The facts and dates of events from a long time past are to me as entertaining as any sit-com(excluding Family Guy) or any television drama( oh goody another Law and Order series). But more than being a series of random facts and figures, they are a narrative of who we are as people and how we got here. The characters that we have met along that journey continue to inspire us today. We all know the pantheon of historical figures that still have lessons to teach us. Whether it was DaVinci showing how art and science can mutually exist with the same man or George Washington’s lessons that a man in a powdered wig can still be macho, we know the names and stories of the historical heavy hitters. The most interesting of all historical figures, at least to me, are the inventors. You know them, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Tesla( the guy that created radio transistors not the crappy 80s hair metal band) and …….um…….whatshisname…..the guy that created the WHEEL. That’s right, one of the most important inventions in history and we don’t even know the guys name. Talk about getting shafted. Don’t think the wheel is that big of a deal, then imagine the world without it.

IT would be really horrible if the wheel had never been invented. Imagine, if you will( no that’s too polite, change that to IMAGINE IT DAMMIT), a world without wheels. If the only way to move goods from place to place was by imitating that lame “wheel barrow race” you do with your cousin at the family reunion. Sucks doesn’t it. And that’s just for starters. No yo-yos, no trains to look at and say,”gee I wonder if its hard to drive a train”,and no Richard Simmon’s Deal-a-meal. And most importantly, imagine a world where a trip to work involved saddle sores and a constant shoveling of horse..um..deposits….the only bright side would be that the street cleaners would really start earning their money. It’s a world I would rather not live in.

The true value of an invention is the long-term impact it has on civilization long after the inventor’s time has passed.There are so many inventions that were obsolete as soon as they left the workshop, but not the wheel.  If you happened to be one of those great minds that invented the library card catalogue, the chalk board, and the 8 track tape then I think you see my point. While items like video stores, payphones and phones that you can’t watch cat videos on have become nothing more than additions to the refuse pile of history, the wheel is alive and kicking. Airplanes,yep using wheels, bicycles, that’s a wheel user too, and most importantly the automobile are the inventions solely based on the continued success of the wheel.

The automobile. It is truly the greatest thing that we can thank the wheel for. Well, we can also thank the wheel for giving Pat Sajak a safe outlet for all of his energies that otherwise would have turned him into an uncontrollable killing machine, but that is a story for another time. Just think of the many ways that cars have impacted out lives. First of all there is transportation, a traffic jam that consisted of a bunch of people just walking to work would make for far many more physical confrontations. The movie Cars would be considerably less action packed without the …you know…cars. The MTV show “Pimp my Wagon” could be just a little too weird for my tastes. And thousands of rednecks crammed into Nascar stadiums to watch herds of goats turn left would not have quite the entertainment value that one searches for.Most importantly, without cars one would have to make out with their dates on horseback, which requires a level of balance that too many of us just don’t have. So here’s to the car, getting ugly dudes chicks since 1921.

The auto is a great invention but it is time to really make it better. Here are a few of my personal modifications.

  • Replace your headlights with strobe lights and make traffic look like you’re in an old timey movie.
  • Mount a pair of handlebars to your roof luggage rack. Tell the kids that if they don’t sit back and be quiet you are going to make them ride “topside”.
  • Change horn from ” HONK” to one that says, “Oppan Gangamstyle”.
  • cloaking device for car when you call in “sick” and then have to make a beer run.
  • Replace side windows with real life ant farms so the kids get a taste of science on their way to school.
  • Outlet on back of car that emits oil slick and tacks. Why should James Bond have all the fun?
  • Some sort of translator that will inform squirrels that once you have crossed 3/4 of a street you are not allowed to double back in the opposite direction.
  • Waffle dispenser
  • On board game of Risk to occupy my time when I have to “pull up and wait for the fries”.
  • Wireless cell phone charger. There are so many cords in my front seat that it looks like a plate at Olive Garden.
  • Abacus so I can accurately answer the question,” Sir, how many drinks have you had tonight?”
  • Football  team car flags that actually stay where you put them.
  • Anti-Kardasian laser beam.
  • That inflatable Autopilot from the “Airplane” movie.
  • Enough Starbucks for the whole trip home

Now that we have improved the machinery of the automobile, we need to do something about the drivers. Thanks to the steadily shrinking budgets in the public school systems, driver’s education is becoming more and more rare. Thank Goodness. I took Driver’s Ed and as anyone who has seen me try to parallel park can confirm, Driver’s Ed doesn’t teach you any of the skills you actually need. Well thanks to a blank check I found while rifling through my neighbor’s garbage, I now have the means to embark on my idea of a chain of driving schools. It will be just like a McDonald’s that teaches you to drive. And just like McDonald’s, the service will be lousy, the employees incompetent and when you get home you will realize that you just got ripped off.

My classes will feature the skills you need to be an expert driver in today’s modern world. No longer accepting the scared straight method of making new drivers fear the auto, I will teach them to embrace it like a drunk creepy “uncle”. Here is just a sample of some of the lessons(Gratituity is appreciated):

  •  Do not casually approach your care and make sure all lights and mirrors are in proper working order. Sprint to the car like you are being chased by zombies, it is a proven fact that an abnormally high heart rate makes you a better driver. If you approach your car from the passenger side, slide across the hood a la Starsky and Hutch to get in the driving mood.
  • Do not text while driving. Any fool can type out “lol” while driving the car with your knees. A true expert can perform more complex tasks like origami or performing circumcisions.
  • Proper placement of hands on the steering wheel is important. No, not that “ten and two” crap. Place your left hand palm side done at high noon and lean over to rest your right hand on the gear shift, even if it is an automatic. You are probably going to die in the car anyway, you might as well look cool while doing it.
  • It is important to know the language of driving. Being able to expertly mouth your favorite cuss words so that the guy who just cut you off in traffic can understand them when he looks in his rear view mirror is a highly valued  skill.
  • Gentlemen, when your curvaceous girlfriend is riding in the front seat with you, you need to find a parking lot with as many speed bumps as possible. And yes, you can thank me later.
  • If riding with any woman in the car, she gets to control the a.c. and you get to control the radio. It is perfectly fine to be seen at a stop light sweating/freezing but it is never o.k. to be at said stoplight with Justin Beiber’s latest hit escaping from your speakers.
  • Try to keep yourself entertained on long car trips, I suggest turning the radio to an a.m. frequency that only has static and then pretend you are the last man on earth and its time to formulate your plan on how to defeat the alien menace.
  • Final exam: order an entire dozen of donuts via the drive through at your local pastry shop, specifically telling the order taker the exact type and quantity of items that you require.

Well, that about sums up my lessons on the car, and just in time……………………………………

The city bus is almost here.

“The things I wish I hadn’t learned”

“A single zealot may commence prosecutor, and better men be his victims”- Thomas Jefferson

 

On a Tuesday like this, it was just a normal day.

On a Tuesday like this, the sky was clear and blue.

On a Tuesday like this, people went about their business pursuing their lives in blissful peace.

On a Tuesday like this, kids went to school.

On a Tuesday like this, the towers still stood.

On a Tuesday like this, The Pentagon was a haven of safety.

On a Tuesday like this, no body had ever heard of a field in Pennsylvania.

On a Tuesday like this,we were at peace.

On a Tuesday like this, it all was about to change.

On a Tuesday like this, evil was in the hearts of men.

On a Tuesday like this, the plans were put into action.

On a Tuesday like this,it must have been a freak accident.

On a Tuesday like this, we thought some pilot had made a mistake.

On a Tuesday like this, we still thought we knew what was happening.

On a Tuesday like this, we saw the second plane hit.

On a Tuesday like this, we were under attack.

On a Tuesday like this,  planes became the weapons.

On a Tuesday like this, we found out our security wasn’t enough.

On a Tuesday like this, the biggest danger to air travel was sitting in the very next seat.

On a Tuesday like this, they used our citizens as flying bombs.

On a Tuesday like this, we looked to the skies and we felt only fear.

On a Tuesday like this, we showed what Americans are made of.

On a Tuesday like this, a new generation of heroes was born.

On a Tuesday like this, they rushed toward the flames.

On a Tuesday like this, they carried many to safety.

On a Tuesday like this, then they went back for more.

On a Tuesday like this, bravery came alive.

On a Tuesday like this, a tale of patriotism began with the words, “Let’s roll.”

On a Tuesday like this, the only party we belonged to was that of Americans.

On a Tuesday like this, you held a stranger’s hand as you watched the towers fall.

On a Tuesday like this, you cried in public.

On a Tuesday like this,  you would not let the evil win.

On a Tuesday like this, you were resolute.

On a Tuesday like this, you decided not to be afraid.

On a Tuesday like this, you believed in what America stood for.

On a Tuesday like this, it was o.k. to love your country.

On a Tuesday like this, you told your family you loved them.

On a Tuesday like this, you checked on your neighbor.

On a Tuesday like this, you called friends you hadn’t seen in years.

On a Tuesday like this, you stopped by  the recruiter’s office.

On a Tuesday like this, you decided to fight back.

On a Tuesday like this, you flew your flag.

On a Tuesday like this, you knew the world had changed.

On a Tuesday like this, the silence was deafening.

On a Tuesday like this, the sky was empty.

On a Tuesday like this, you called out to God in prayer.

 

Dear Lord, Please don’t ever make us have……………………..

Another Tuesday like this.

 

 

 

 

 

He got game

I am sorry that I never learned to speak Chinese.

There are always some tell tale signs that the weekend is winding down. There is animation on the Fox Network. The dishes has been washed and put away, not that this was especially difficult considering that lunch was take-out and dinner consisted of PB&J.( Heck it was a day of rest for the resident cook too). The last bits of remaining homework are completed and the backpacks are all ready for Monday morning. The next week’s clothes are laid out and ironed. And the self delusion lies, about the “projects” we are going to tackle “next weekend” and how we are going to have to get to church next Sunday, are in the air. Inevitably, with all this completed, attention turns to a way to have a wholesome evening of family fun before the hideous specter of Monday morning is able to make its appearance. Since grabbing our torches and pitchforks and heading down to the outskirts of town in order to torment the town witch is considered passe’, we find the something just as wrought with anger and vitriol……. Family Game Night.

Now I have long professed my love for the wonderful human beings with whom I share my home and I do thoroughly enjoy the mind building exercises offered by many table top gaming enterprises, but for some reason when you combine the two something always goes awry. Not that there have not been some wonderful times spent while gathered around the dining room table rolling dice and moving various pieces of plastic around a thin piece of cardboard.During those times together, you learn some very powerful lessons about the members of your family. These lessons reveal what type of people your family has become. Unfortunately, what you learn that your family has become……is a group of people who cheat at board games. And despite what all the Mafia movies have taught, there is absolutely no honor among thieves.

The games always start with the greatest of intentions. Everyone greets each other warmly and makes some passing comment about how great it is to turn off the t.v. and be together. Then it begins, there is the sudden jockeying for the “good” chair, you know, that one piece of furniture in the house that doesn’t require a thrice folded piece of cardboard to prevent it from rocking like a three legged table on the deck of the Andrea Gail. Then there is the customary battle for the right to go first. Is it by age? By sex? By assigning  a number value to each letter of everyone’s name and using those values to determine whose name contains the most prime numbers? It is at this point that what began as a peaceful sojourn into the dining room has now become the War Room scene from Dr. Strangelove. Either that or the yard at San Quentin. This is the primary reason why I am opposed to plural marriage. Going through this once a month is bad enough. I refuse to repeat this chaos three fold at my Sister Wives’ homes.

I can’t really blame my family for going somewhat bonkers at these events, the true culprit is a timing issue. The timing issue is that it happens to be Sunday, and Sundays just plain suck. Now one must understand the dichotomy of the  Lord’s Day in order to fully comprehend the inherent problems that the day brings. For Sunday is actually two different days rolled up into one. And like all twins, one is good and the other is pure evil . Good Sunday begins in the morning. And let’s face it, any morning that features the consumption of bacon is a good thing. Then as a bonus, there is usually the opportunity to sleep in. There is another large and usually home cooked meal just around the corner at lunch, keep racking up the points don’t ya Sunday. And then, like an extra order of unpaid for wontons in your bag from the Takee Outee, there is FOOTBALL. What a blissfull and wonderful day, for Sunday has become the king of all days. Then about 5 o’clock it happens. You hit the wall. You come to the realization that in a matter of hours you have to return to work/school/ correction facility and you see the evil that Sunday morphs into. For not only is the joyfulness of the day ruined but now you have to bust your ass to get bathed, clothes laid out, meals planned, and mentally prepared for the workweek. All activities that you could have been doing instead of eating bacon, gorging on fried chicken and gambling the kids college fund in the company office pool. ( Friendly tip: Never wager on anything at work. If you lose, they know the exact day when you will have the money to pay up).

Sunday is like a spa retreat. It begins as a soothing massage while listening to the cool sounds of free form jazz. The afternoon ends,however, feeling like you are in the middle of a ukelele, kazoo and vuvuzela concert while your mouth is stuffed full of poison ivy and ghost chili peppers. So you can understand why a game of parcheesi is so difficult to endure.

It’s not just the end of the weekend psyche that makes pulling off game night a challenge, the games themselves are also to blame.While the toy industry continues to keep itself fresh and new to keep pace with kids ever changing needs, the basic method of play has remained essentially unchanged. Whether it’s Lincoln Logs, Tinkertoy, or Legos, building toys all have similar play methods. G.I. Joe or Darth Vader, action figures are action figures. And, I don’t care if its Barbie, Ken. Bratz, Monster High, Winx Club or even Kim Kardasian and Ray J’s anatomically correct “Make your own Internet video” play set, little girls don’t need instructions to know how to play.

But, oh no, not board games. Each new board game is more complex and confusing than the one that came before. It isn’t just the complicated ones that are the problem, the new simple ones are just plain stupid. There is Cuponk, a game involving the speedy stacking of plastic cups. We had a game like that when I was younger, it was called,”OH MY LORD! Grab and hide all those plastic cups full of booze cause I just saw Mom walking up the driveway.” And for every Checkers or Bingo there is some new completely illogical, unnecessarily confusing game that I need a P.H.D. and a decoder ring just to set it up. Even if you try to stick to the classics, something bad always happens. If we haven’t played a certain game in a while, when we pull it out, we can never remember exactly how to play it. If the game has 3 boards, 156 plastic pawns and 18 different sized dice, there will always be one thing that got lost…the directions. So you dump out the box and see a small piece of white paper go fluttering under the couch. You dive for it like Indiana Jones in the night club scene from Temple of Doom and thrust your hand under the aforementioned davenport. After extracting more dust bunnies that the cast of Watership Down, you retrieve the directions.. You thrust it into the air like the Stanley Cup and then you realize that it is page 5 of 212. Oh yeah, it’s in Chinese because a game with multiple action cards written in English, is such a huge hit in Beijing.

Just the other day, we decided to play The Game of Life. We all sat down, set up the game and were ready to get it going when we discovered that the directions were missing. So here we were, playing The Game of Life without any indication as to the best way to go. It felt like a great metaphor for something. That’s right, it was a metaphor for…….Monopoly.Since we didn’t have the rules, and you can’t play without rules or you get board game anarchy, so we made up our own. So if you find yourself a little lost in The Game of Life, feel free to use my rules:

  • Tails never fails.
  • If you break it you buy it.
  • If you chip it, just put the bad side in a corner facing the wall.
  • If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.
  • If you are cheating, you really don’t have to be trying that hard.
  • Eating is cheating, so no late night ice cream if you are on a diet.
  • Women, men hate it when you fake it. So if you line up to punt then you better  kick the ball away.
  • Time doesn’t fly when you are having fun, money does.
  • Nothing good happens after 2a.m., but your friends don’t need to know that.
  • You were born with two eyebrows, try to keep it that way. Women: that doesn’t mean 0. Men: that doesn’t mean 1.
  • Saying,”but I have a black friend” makes you more racist not less.
  • You one vote doesn’t count.Sorry,it’s called the Electoral College. Look it up.
  • If you are that miserable, tell a therapist not Facebook.
  • There is no macho way to talk about the stuff you find on Pinterest.
  • Math matters.
  • Language and grammar matter.
  • Science matters.
  • But without History, you won’t know why they matter.
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right but three rights will take you around the block.
  • If you can’t cut the mustard, that is because it is a liquid.Use a spoon.
  • It isn’t how fast you run, it’s how good a lead you started with.
  • Christian Gray is a fictional character. I’m sorry about that, maybe next time.
  • Don’t count you chickens before they hatch. Because before they hatch, they aren’t chickens they are eggs.
  • Excuse my French, you are a bout to hear another “f” word.
  • Rolling doubles three times will not get you out of jail, but it will get you an invitation to the prison Yahtzee tournament .
  • Idle hands are the devil’s tools, and so are left handed scissors.
  • Rome was not built in a day, but it was destroyed in one.
  • Variety is not the spice of life, garlic is.

Well, those are the rules we came up with and now it’s my turn to roll the dice…………………………………………

Can I sit in the “good” chair?

The night time is the right time

“What hath night to do with sleep?”
John Milton, Paradise Lost

It’s been a good day. Although officially that good day ended at midnight but I am not here to argue over a few measly hours. The kids had good days at school, my wife’s cold is improving, and there has not been any police activity on my street in nearly 2 weeks. All is good. Today, er, yesterday also was interesting in the way that so many people have started to connect with some of the inane ramblings that this blog has become. I am honored that some are enjoying it although I admit it is a little overwhelming in that I now feel the need to actually try to write something good more than once a fortnight. So it is inevitable that the peace of the day would come to a grinding halt as the sun goes down. Although I do love the daylight hours, living in Florida makes that a necessity, the night has always been a challenge for me. For the night is the domain of my enemy and his name is Sleep.

First of all, I need to establish the fact that I am not a medical insomniac( oh, “medical insomniac” is a great band name too). It’s not that I am physically unable to sleep,it’s just that my brain for some reason keeps derailing my snooze train before it leaves the station. I have a busy day, do lots of physical activity, drink one alcoholic beverage to calm my nerves, then follow that with several others to kill the nerves that won’t calm down, and then put on my footie pajamas with the rocket ships on them and head to bed for a night of blissful slumber. As I settle in and prepare to drift off, it happens. Just one thing. A tiny random thought will creep into the theater of my mind and before I know it, he has propped open the back door and let in all of his slack-jawed yokel friends. They rush into my thoughts and kick sleep’s ass all the way to the curb.

I try to evict them but they just dig in their heels and chain themselves to my psyche. I can’t ignore them and I can’t get rid of them so I must find another way to regain my control of the night. I log on to the computer, a necessary step to anyone who wants to self diagnose what are probably significant psychiatric problems, and see what ole doctor internet can do to fix me up. The main solution seems to be sleep inducing medications. I am sorry but that just isn’t going to work. The various sleeping meds that I see advertised on television, I don’t have a Tivo so I have to actually watch the commercials, always include such dire warning labels. Here is just a few of them:

  • Burning or tingling in the hands, arms, feet, or legs. Good luck drifting off to sleep if you feel like you are wearing skinny jeans made of fire ants.
  • Changes in appetite. Duh. You can’t eat when you are asleep.
  • Constipation. Gross.
  • Diarrhea. That is exactly what I need to have when I am about to be made artificially unconscious for 8 hours.
  • Difficulty keeping balance. Have you seen how much these pills cost? I doubt I will have any balance left in my account.
  • Dizziness. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even notice.
  • Drowsiness. Um, that is not a side effect. That is what I want to happen.
  • Dry mouth or throat. It’s Ambien, not Maui Wowee.
  • Gas. A dutch oven isn’t just what a cowboy uses to cook with.
  • Headache. Figures.
  • Heartburn. How the hell can I get heartburn when it is supposed to make me not be able to eat. Geesh
  • Stomach pain or tenderness. I am counting sheep, not letting them run over me.
  • Uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body. Hey, do I at least get to choose which part?
  • Unusual dreams. So the one I am having lately about the aardvarks and the lawn gnomes covered in chocolate syrup is considered normal?
  • Weakness. Of course I am weak. I CAN”T FREAKIN GO TO SLEEP.

I have had this problem with sleep for a while, even since I was a kid. There were only one way to fix it back then. The only remedy was good ole Nyquil. I loved Nyquil. No, not the taste. Grape or cherry? How about not. It only had one flavor, and it was straight Liquid Hell. It was so nasty that just thinking about it makes my tongue swell. What I admired about it, was that it did exactly what it was supposed to do, put  enough barbiturates in your young body to knock out half of Seattle. That’s why Nyquil  has a name with only 2 syllables. Because you are gonna be asleep before you get to syllable number 3. Remember how your mom would always give you Nyquil in your room? Know why? Because if you took it in the bathroom, you would probably drown. To show how great this “cold medicine” was, they now have a version that doesn’t treat any symptoms, it just knocks you out…er, let’s you fall asleep. My only problem with it was the odd warning on the bottle.”May impair your ability to operate heavy machinery”. Damn. That is just what every 12-year-old with a 104 degree fever wants to do at 3 in the morning, go joy riding a bulldozer. Thanks for nothing Nyquil.

Since our medicine cabinet seems to be devoid of any  of the aforementioned liquid horse tranquilizer, I will follow the only other advice I could find. It says to clear your mind by writing down all of the thoughts that are keeping you awake. O.k. Here goes:

  • What’s that noise?
  • Did I leave the iron on?
  • Can I get a rash underneath my skin?
  • What ever happened to Pauly Shore?
  • What if they are right about soccer?
  • That guy at the gas station sure looked a lot like Carrottop.
  • Is it o.k. to hate that Honey Boo Boo family, including the kid?
  • Did I set my fantasy football line up in time?
  • How can the Ice T on Law and Order SVU be the same guy that used to sing “Cop killer”?
  • Is that a bump?
  • I don’t remember buying these underwear.
  • Is Cats now and forever?
  • What ever happened to Right Said Fred?
  • If I had to pick 3 sister wives, could I make them give me a résumé?
  • Mmmmmmm. Chocolate.
  • What are gummy bears actually made of?
  • I want to go to Disney World.
  • If I had to defuse a bomb, which wire would I cut?
  • Could I fight off a monkey if I had to?
  • The idea of flying invisible zombies is really scary.
  • What if my wife didn’t know I was kidding?

This is so stupid. I wrote all the things down and nothing seems different at all. What a complete and total waste of ti……………………………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

No Apologies

 

“Not this time.”

It’s usually just about low self-esteem. I don’t think I am really as good as I want to be. This feeling, this illness, this utter lack of belief in myself has found its way into almost everything I do. It is an illness with no known cause but it does have one very clear symptom. This symptom manifests itself on an almost daily basis. The condition has become come cancerous to my sense of self. I suffer from a terminal case of “I’m sorry.”

If you happen to spend more than a few minutes with me, you will hear it. I’m sorry that I’m late. I’m sorry that it’s raining. I’m sorry about that completely insensitive joke someone else just told. I’m sorry that I laughed at it.I’m sorry when we win and I’m sorry when we lose. I’m sorry that the waters too wet. I’m sorry that the sugar’s too sweet. I’m sorry. I’m sorry . I’m sorry. Hell, I just realized that I am even sorry that I am sorry…..Oh, wait that sounded stupid and I’m sorry for that too.

It’s not that I don’t believe in myself at all. It’s just that I get so tired of living in a world where far too many people only care about themselves. I know I am not the only one who sees it. There are those of us who try to quietly live our lives in a way that tries to show that we value the goodness in others and try our best to make the world just a bit better by the help we offer, the smiles we give and the feeling that everybody deserves a better life than the one they now live. And far too often we feel outnumbered by the bastards in our midst. The guy who thinks he doesn’t have to wait for the traffic to clear so he drives around us on the sidewalk. The lady who thinks the “ten items or less” doesn’t apply to her. The teenager who thinks that we really want to hear the music from his car blasting away at the stoplight. They are everywhere and are a function of a society where it’s about “me getting mine” instead of  “let’s do what’s right”.

Those of us on the other side of the selfish divide then have to make a choice. It’s the ultimate fight or flight reflex and it happens on an almost subconscious level.  Do we want to turn our heads and ignore the self-centered? Is it o.k. to just pretend that those who crush any who are between them and whatever primal or monetary need they wish to fill at the time are just misguided souls having a moment of weakness and if we give them the opportunity that they will do the right thing? Sometimes that is the best way. God knows that I believe in second chances and in the potential goodness of all . I often just play the wait and see game when it comes to whether a jerk is a jerk, or is he just one that does jerky things.

However sometimes relying on the goodness of others is too big a price to pay, particularly when you see the collateral damages that the evil can do.Sometimes it takes something more. There are times when we run out of cheeks to turn. There comes the rare opportunity when we decide to, if not give Karma a push, to at least show her the direction she needs to go. Once in a while, we are our own Gandalf. We decide to strike our staffs upon the earth and declare to the selfish and the profane,”YOU SHALL NOT PASS.” And sometimes, that even works.

But, sadly, more often than not the “angels of our better nature” as Lincoln called them tell us to just let it go. We are not the angry type. We see the drama of the world and decide not to add any more performances to the playbill. And deep down, if we really care about others and doing right, we know that taking a bad path to do a good deed is still the wrong road to take. So we acquiesce. No, we don’t surrender our values but rather choose to exemplify them by doing good and helping others instead of a constant state of confrontation with the d.b. people we see.

Not that we don’t all have moments when we just want to be a “Me First”-er. We all have moments when we don’t want to surrender the remote. Where we want to pick the restaurant. When we just want to be pampered and coddled too. Then, it rises up. That feeling of guilt that says that the last thing this world needs is for one of the givers to change teams. So we apologize. WE are sorry for the selfishness in ourselves as much as that in others. We may be branded patsies and fools, but we shall not be labeled hypocrites. So we keep saying  that we are sorry, day after day.

It was just one of those days of apologies that I saw this news story.

Boy dies in freak playground accident.( Right click to open)

Not that it matters, but I just happened to know this father, although briefly. He spend one season as a coach at the youth baseball park that I have coached for these last 6 years. He was there only a season but  both the father and the boy were genuinely nice people. He had a great team but more than that he had a great perspective on life and treated all with class and dignity. My heart goes out to him and I will be sad in knowing that the world has been robbed of another fine young man. And I am sorry for his loss..

And then I started thinking about it. And I don’t think sorry is the right word. I would like to tell this dad that  I sincerely hope  in time his pain will lessen. That in the fraternity of those who have had their children taken away too soon, there will be those that understand and can help you heal .  Most of all I want to tell him, that I am honored to have met his son if even for a moment and I pray that God, whatever God you happen to prescribe to, will send him his comfort and love.
No, I can’t be sorry this time because being sorry just doesn’t cut it.

The more I pondered this , the more it unnerved me and made me analyze my way of living. I am really looking at myself and realize that there are a lot of things that I am not sorry about too.

I am not sorry that I took a few months off to spend with my kids.

I am not sorry that it means that the credit score is a little lower and the bank account a little lighter but being here when they needed me was worth it.

I am not sorry that I laugh too much.

I am not sorry that I try to help others.

I am not sorry that I have to go with less sleep in order to do the things necessary to care for others.

I am not sorry that I make decisions based on what is right instead of what is easy.

I am not sorry that my family is the most important thing in my life.

I am not sorry that I spend hours at a baseball field with a group of kids that are genuinely good people.

I am not sorry that education is important to me.

I am not sorry that my friends matter to me.

I am not sorry that I am honest with my kids about what I know and what I don’t know.

I am not sorry that I  to play video games with my son and go to concerts with my daughter.

I am not sorry that I enjoy my life.

I am not sorry that I wait in line, say “thank you” and hold doors open for strangers.

I am not sorry that my mom taught me manners.

I am not sorry that sometimes the right answer is no.

I am not sorry that I still want to make a difference.

I am not sorry that other people’s kids are important to me too.

I am not sorry that I want to do better.

I am not sorry that I tell my kids that I love them…………….

And I know that they are not sorry too.

 

In full Pollyanna mode

“Going to the well one to many times”

Since desecrating the positive feelings that millions of people have developed from  enjoying The Sound of Music over the years just wasn’t enough to me,  I have decided to rip off the premise of its most beloved songs. So here is my “the things I have learned” version  of My Favorite Things.

Oh yeah, since my cat has decided to wake me up at 5a.m. every freaking morning, whiskers on kittens ain’t one of them.

  • Bacon
  • Bacon
  • Bacon…I really like bacon
  • Finding a 5 dollar bill in jeans you just washed
  • That first spoonful of peanut butter from a just opened jar
  • Water slides
  • Really broken in athletic shoes
  • The Colbert Report
  • The sound of grass being cut on a Summer Saturday morning
  • Looney Tunes
  • Waking up on a Monday morning and suddenly realizing that it is still Sunday
  • A 3-2 fastball
  • Star Wars
  • Tropical Punch Kool-aid
  • Birthday Cake
  • When high school friends you haven’t talked to in a while send you a message out of the blue
  • My Galaxy S III
  • Fake Punts
  • A  phenomenal cup of coffee
  • An average cup of coffee
  • Any cup of coffee
  • When the kids sleep in on a weekend
  • The moment your feet first feel the water at the beach
  • Disney World
  • A Football Game Flyover
  • A Cold Draft Beer
  • When a politician references a historical event…and actually gets it right
  • When my kids and I randomly start citing lines from Spaceballs
  • When the laptops is fully charged
  • When the phone doesn’t ring
  • A cool Saturday morning spent on a Baseball field
  • People who LIKE to do things for others without being asked
  • When the dishes in the dishwasher are clean
  • The smell of Play-dough
  • Chili when it is cold outside
  • Ice cream when it is warm outside
  • When people spell my name right
  • Realizing that I can still speak Spanish a little
  • Any Mark Twain book
  •  Hearing an old song that happened to be playing at a great moment in your life
  • Gummi Bears
  • The Jungle Book
  • The feeling that your friends don’t take you for granted
  • When the kids ask how your day was
  • When the writing is easy
  • Learning something new
  • Playing Madden
  • The sound of a vinyl record
  • A good meal served by a great waiter
  • Inside jokes
  • When the closet still smells like fabric softener
  • Used book stores
  • Feeling like you are making a difference
  • Neighbors who are friends and friends who are family
  • The holidays at the in-laws house
  • Toys R’ Us
  • Tallahassee on an Autumn Saturday
  • Appetizers
  • Just being myself and not feeling bad about it

This is just the start of my list………..

What’s yours?

 

While you were out

The following is a transcript of a secret meeting that took place between myself, the duly appointed representative of all Jaguar Fans and a Mr. Maurice Jones Drew. It took place in a secret vault deep within the recesses of Everbank Field. The only other party that was present during theses highly sensitive meetings was Mrs. Dubchek my secretary and she alone produced the record you are about to read.  Unfortunately, Mrs Dubchek is nearly 80 and has lost all the hearing on the one side so she only recorded the things I said but I am sure you can still understand the general feel of the conversation.The only original copy of this transcript will be sealed in a Hellman’s mayonnaise jar, only suckers eat Miracle Whip, and buried under my front porch just like in the movie Stand by Me.

Maurice, come in come in.

Oh really? O.k. Mojo, why don’t you sit down and make yourself comfortable.

First of all, on behalf of the whole organization I just want to tell you how happy everyone is that you are back here with the team.

Yeah you are probably right. I doubt he is happy you are back but I am sure we will find a way to get him a few carries this season. After all, he did do a great job during the preseason.

That’s funny. But I wouldn’t know cause I have never kissed my sister.

No, I don’t think he would look good in green.

That wouldn’t really help them cause they don’t have a real quarterback either.

Yes I know, the most popular punt protector in the league, right?

Sure, I love to hear jokes.

O.k., I ‘ll play along. What’s the difference?

Hahahaha. “At least  Byron Leftwich has a ring”. Hahahaha.Man, you are an entertaining dude. But we really need to talk about how we can bring you up to speed and make up for all the lost time.

Now, I have to confess that we were starting to worry if you were ever coming back and I was getting desperate.

Oh, really? I though they paid you  all year.

No? Not until the regular season starts? Well hell, I would have come back too.

I wish I had known that before I orchestrated this lavish gimmick that I was going to stage at halftime of the Minnesota game.

No. The team is still in Minnesota. Yeah, I know talk about bad location.

No. Since you are back I don’t think it really matters. But if you insist, I will tell you what the plan was. First, we were going to get some rough and rugged Hollywood legend to have an imaginary conversation with an empty chair and pretend that they were talking to you.

No way! Really? Clint Eastwood? And it was THAT bad? Then I am really glad you came back when you did and saved me from that humiliation.

O.k. I know you want to go get to practice so I need to get you ready for a couple of things you will need to know. But first, do you have any questions, or maybe any concerns now that you are back in Jacksonville?

No. It hasn’t rained EVERYDAY this summer. I think there was one Tuesday where it just kind of sprinkled.

Sorry, Mojo but we can’t control how hot it is here.

No, Shad Khan cannot “trade” the weather if it makes him mad.

Yes, his name really is Mularkey.I know it sounds like what a grandma would say when she is mad, but a name is a name.

First about the fans.

No, I wouldn’t say “Pissed off”. I would say that they are more mildly annoyed. Let’s just say that it is a good thing that the fans yell, “Dreeeewwwww” whenever you come on the field because since it already kind of sounds like they are booing so you can kind of just pretend they are still calling your name. And it could be worse, your name could be Yusuk.

No, I think it is still o.k. for you to go out in public but you need to prepare you for some of what you will hear. I am sure you will at some point run into some nighttime cashier at the Stop-N-Save that will tell you how if he held out for money that his boss would fire him. Just be prepared to….

No,” and the horse you rode in on” is not the response you should give there.

While I think a monkey could do the mopping, I doubt it could give back the proper change, so they probably wouldn’t hire one.

Instead, you should probably just say that you were sorry and are glad to be back.

Now, about the money. I know that several players in the league got new contracts this off-season and that really made your salary seem to be somewhat smaller than it actually is.Yes, I know you led the league in rushing last year but remember that we also only won five games so that’s not really like you should throw that in people’s faces.

Yes some of the players with new contracts were receivers.

I am sure if they play Tight End they have already heard that joke before.

So what we need to do is find ways to make your money last longer.
First of all, just about everyone agrees that you need to get a new agent. Let’s face it, the one you have now is giving you some real bad advice, so we need to find a cheaper way to get you the same quality of representation you are currently receiving. Based on how bad it was, you could probably get the same kind of help from a guy in the Greyhound bus station or at any of the local drug rehab facilities.

Now, about saving money.

No I don’t think being the seventh highest pain running back in the league qualifies you for public assistance and besides the government cheese is not half as good as you think it would be.

I have two words for you: Extreme Couponing.

No, I think moving into a trailer park, while it would save you money, would probably not be the best solution.

I have it! Walk around Everbank and tell other players that you will trade them two tens for a five, keep repeating until you have covered your 1.2 million in fines.

Since we really can’t cut too many expenses then we need to find new ways to get some new revenue. Here are some suggestions:

  • Insist on calling it Mountain Drew
  • You know that ladies’ store Maurice’s at the mall, see if they want to change the name to Maurice Jones-Drew’s
  • See if you are owed any royalties from The Doors’ song “L.A. Woman”, specifically the line “Mr. Mojo risin'”
  • You are a pretty good dancer, how about you start convincing the kids at the local bowling alleys to play you in Dance Dance Revolution for $3.00 per game.
  • Ask Nike to chance slogan to,”Just Drew it.”
  • There is a lot of money in children’s books so how about instead of the “Nancy Drew Mysteries” it was the “Maurice Jones-Drew Mysteries”. Your character could go around solving football mysteries like what happened to Terrell Owen’s career and how in the hell did  mumble mouthed Shannon Sharpe ever get a job where he was paid to speak.

Now, we also need to protect your brand, so be careful what projects you do. Saw the picture in the body issue of ESPN the Magazine. So, let’s not do any more nude pictorials, o.k.? Save the nudes for when you are broke and out of football, unless of course, you get that part in the sequel to Magic Mike.

Let’s see. Yes that just about covers it. I seem to be forgetting something, but was it?

Oh yeah, I know. The Jaguars have discovered a previously unknown aspect to the game of football. It is something rare and revolutionary to the way we have played the sport here in Jacksonville in the last 10 years…..

It’s called the forward pass, and we are very excited.

 

 

 

 

 

What’s the matter?

This was not supposed to happen,

but that doesn’t matter.

We were just going to the movies

but that doesn’t matter.

She was only supposed to be be my friend

but that doesn’t matter.

It was only a couple of dates

but that doesn’t matter.

It wasn’t going to continue once I went back to school

but that doesn’t matter

She was just coming out to see a concert

but that doesn’t matter.

I was sure that she wouldn’t be that interested in me

but that doesn’t matter.

She would find somebody better

but that doesn’t matter.

I was going to come back to town those weekends anyway

but that doesn’t matter.

I wasn’t really sure we were dating

but that doesn’t matter.

I was  going to move back to Jacksonville anyway

but that doesn’t matter.

It was just going to last through the summer

but that doesn’t matter.

So we decided to get slightly more serious

but that doesn’t matter.

Getting married wasn’t that big of a deal

but that doesn’t matter.

Tallahassee was just an adventure

but that doesn’t matter.

It was just a baby

but that doesn’t matter.

Well since we have a girl we should at least have a boy

but that doesn’t matter.

We are going to move back to Jacksonville

but that doesn’t matter.

We will get our own place eventually

but that doesn’t matter.

It’s only a house

but that doesn’t matter.

She thinks I give too much

but that doesn’t matter.

I think she doesn’t compromise enough

but that doesn’t matter.

I love sports and she doesn’t

but that doesn’t matter.

I am a social creature and she likes time alone

but that doesn’t matter.

I have to get dressed regardless but she likes to wear pajamas

but that doesn’t matter.

She likes Dr. Who and Duran Duran

but that doesn’t matter.

She doesn’t like to drive

but that doesn’t matter.

I don’t give her the personal space she needs

but that doesn’t matter.

We don’t have lots of money

but that doesn’t matter.

The house sometimes gets messy

but that doesn’t matter.

Today is her birthday

but that doesn’t matter.

She is the greatest thing in the world to me and I love her more than i could ever say

AND THAT IS All MATTERS.