“I like Jesus very much, but he no help with curveball.” –Pedro Ceranno
The following is a transcript of a secret meeting that took place between myself, the duly appointed representative of all Jaguar Fans and a Mr. Maurice Jones Drew. It took place in a secret vault deep within the recesses of Everbank Field. The only other party that was present during theses highly sensitive meetings was Mrs. Dubchek my secretary and she alone produced the record you are about to read. Unfortunately, Mrs Dubchek is nearly 80 and has lost all the hearing on the one side so she only recorded the things I said but I am sure you can still understand the general feel of the conversation.The only original copy of this transcript will be sealed in a Hellman’s mayonnaise jar, only suckers eat Miracle Whip, and buried under my front porch just like in the movie Stand by Me.
Maurice, come in come in.
Oh really? O.k. Mojo, why don’t you sit down and make yourself comfortable.
First of all, on behalf of the whole organization I just want to tell you how happy everyone is that you are back here with the team.
Yeah you are probably right. I doubt he is happy you are back but I am sure we will find a way to get him a few carries this season. After all, he did do a great job during the preseason.
That’s funny. But I wouldn’t know cause I have never kissed my sister.
No, I don’t think he would look good in green.
That wouldn’t really help them cause they don’t have a real quarterback either.
Yes I know, the most popular punt protector in the league, right?
Sure, I love to hear jokes.
O.k., I ‘ll play along. What’s the difference?
Hahahaha. “At least Byron Leftwich has a ring”. Hahahaha.Man, you are an entertaining dude. But we really need to talk about how we can bring you up to speed and make up for all the lost time.
Now, I have to confess that we were starting to worry if you were ever coming back and I was getting desperate.
Oh, really? I though they paid you all year.
No? Not until the regular season starts? Well hell, I would have come back too.
I wish I had known that before I orchestrated this lavish gimmick that I was going to stage at halftime of the Minnesota game.
No. The team is still in Minnesota. Yeah, I know talk about bad location.
No. Since you are back I don’t think it really matters. But if you insist, I will tell you what the plan was. First, we were going to get some rough and rugged Hollywood legend to have an imaginary conversation with an empty chair and pretend that they were talking to you.
No way! Really? Clint Eastwood? And it was THAT bad? Then I am really glad you came back when you did and saved me from that humiliation.
O.k. I know you want to go get to practice so I need to get you ready for a couple of things you will need to know. But first, do you have any questions, or maybe any concerns now that you are back in Jacksonville?
No. It hasn’t rained EVERYDAY this summer. I think there was one Tuesday where it just kind of sprinkled.
Sorry, Mojo but we can’t control how hot it is here.
No, Shad Khan cannot “trade” the weather if it makes him mad.
Yes, his name really is Mularkey.I know it sounds like what a grandma would say when she is mad, but a name is a name.
First about the fans.
No, I wouldn’t say “Pissed off”. I would say that they are more mildly annoyed. Let’s just say that it is a good thing that the fans yell, “Dreeeewwwww” whenever you come on the field because since it already kind of sounds like they are booing so you can kind of just pretend they are still calling your name. And it could be worse, your name could be Yusuk.
No, I think it is still o.k. for you to go out in public but you need to prepare you for some of what you will hear. I am sure you will at some point run into some nighttime cashier at the Stop-N-Save that will tell you how if he held out for money that his boss would fire him. Just be prepared to….
No,” and the horse you rode in on” is not the response you should give there.
While I think a monkey could do the mopping, I doubt it could give back the proper change, so they probably wouldn’t hire one.
Instead, you should probably just say that you were sorry and are glad to be back.
Now, about the money. I know that several players in the league got new contracts this off-season and that really made your salary seem to be somewhat smaller than it actually is.Yes, I know you led the league in rushing last year but remember that we also only won five games so that’s not really like you should throw that in people’s faces.
Yes some of the players with new contracts were receivers.
I am sure if they play Tight End they have already heard that joke before.
So what we need to do is find ways to make your money last longer.
First of all, just about everyone agrees that you need to get a new agent. Let’s face it, the one you have now is giving you some real bad advice, so we need to find a cheaper way to get you the same quality of representation you are currently receiving. Based on how bad it was, you could probably get the same kind of help from a guy in the Greyhound bus station or at any of the local drug rehab facilities.
Now, about saving money.
No I don’t think being the seventh highest pain running back in the league qualifies you for public assistance and besides the government cheese is not half as good as you think it would be.
I have two words for you: Extreme Couponing.
No, I think moving into a trailer park, while it would save you money, would probably not be the best solution.
I have it! Walk around Everbank and tell other players that you will trade them two tens for a five, keep repeating until you have covered your 1.2 million in fines.
Since we really can’t cut too many expenses then we need to find new ways to get some new revenue. Here are some suggestions:
- Insist on calling it Mountain Drew
- You know that ladies’ store Maurice’s at the mall, see if they want to change the name to Maurice Jones-Drew’s
- See if you are owed any royalties from The Doors’ song “L.A. Woman”, specifically the line “Mr. Mojo risin'”
- You are a pretty good dancer, how about you start convincing the kids at the local bowling alleys to play you in Dance Dance Revolution for $3.00 per game.
- Ask Nike to chance slogan to,”Just Drew it.”
- There is a lot of money in children’s books so how about instead of the “Nancy Drew Mysteries” it was the “Maurice Jones-Drew Mysteries”. Your character could go around solving football mysteries like what happened to Terrell Owen’s career and how in the hell did mumble mouthed Shannon Sharpe ever get a job where he was paid to speak.
Now, we also need to protect your brand, so be careful what projects you do. Saw the picture in the body issue of ESPN the Magazine. So, let’s not do any more nude pictorials, o.k.? Save the nudes for when you are broke and out of football, unless of course, you get that part in the sequel to Magic Mike.
Let’s see. Yes that just about covers it. I seem to be forgetting something, but was it?
Oh yeah, I know. The Jaguars have discovered a previously unknown aspect to the game of football. It is something rare and revolutionary to the way we have played the sport here in Jacksonville in the last 10 years…..
It’s called the forward pass, and we are very excited.