I have been curiously quiet throughout this entire election season because the way I see it, I have given people enough response to hate me that I don’t think that getting into a peeing match with the general public over their political beliefs would be good for my Karma. So, I have bitten my tongue and smiled through the pain. Now that the election is over and I am growing nauseous from the taste of blood in my mouth, I feel the need to share my opinions about this freakshow that comes to town every four years.  So come on in, but on that gown over there and hop up on the tissue covered table because Dr. Truth is about to drop some knowledge on ya.
First of all and I know if your candidate lost last night that you don’t want want to hear this but, the system worked. There were two choices and one side won and the other lost. The proof that the system works is not what happened on election day but rather what happened on the day after, namely nothing. There are no tanks in the streets. No member of the losing party is being executed in the public square. The winning party is not launching a genocide against the losing party’s tribe. People cast their votes, watched the results, and then got on with their lives. So this morning be thankful that the most this election disrupted your life was in having to scroll through a few histrionic facebook posts.
Now comes the part where I start making enemies. I have a lot of great hearted well meaning conservative friends and I give you dearly but until your party starts acknowledging and fixing the mistakes they make, you are not going to be able to get a dog catcher elected. First of all can you please stop with the crazy? I understand that the Dems have plenty of nutjobs in their party but they are supposed to, they are Democrats. You guys are supposed to be the adults in the room. Yet you continue to let the septegenarian amateur gynecologist running for the state senate in Bugwhump Utah make comments like “legitimate rape”. Then in some blind reliance to these hicks you defend them publicly. I understand your need to support the same values as some of your more fringe candidates but they are an anchor around your neck that is drowning your national candidates in a sea of unelectability. I have a crazy uncle that shows up every Thanksgiving buck naked and covered in Crisco. I still love him, I just dont let him in the house. So when during the next election cycle some Moral warrior from the sticks says something stupid about abortion or gay marriage that is utterly indefensible, and trust me they will, the national party needs to chunk them into the fires of Mount Doom like they were the Ring of Power.
Speaking of candidates, you have got to find some presidential ones that aren’t so dang unlikable. I am sure both McCain and Romney are fine gentlemen and upstanding citizens but they are both lacking that personal touch that wins elections. Cause lets face it, its not intelligence nor ability that gets your guy in the Whitehouse, it’s the ability for Joe Citizen to feel like your candidate is a swell guy. Lets look at recent history. Clinton was a philandering redneck from the backwoods of Arkansas, that’s right the same state that didn’t outlaw feuding until the 1970s. George W. Bush was a reformed alcoholic who had more difficulty with the English language that the Guatemalan dishwasher at P.F.Chang’s. And good ole Barack Obama may be better at delivering the hits of Al Green than at delivering sustainable economic growth. However, all three of these men were elected to two terms as the President of the most powerful country in the world. Why? Because they all had a personal charisma that their opponent just couldn’t match.
For Pete’s sake, when 10% of the country is out of work, there is a fairly good chance that they won’t vote for the guy that resembles the type of dude that gave them their pinkslip. Nice job G.O.P., you nominated the only politician in the country that was more wooden than George Washington’s teeth. So quit talking about how deep the Republican bench is and get them into the game. Find a guy who can kiss babies and shake hands that looks more natural than the stiffs you have been running lately and you might actually get your guy into the big chair.
And Dems, I love your us against the world philosophy but can we please stop pretending that the movie director with the private island is just an average American worker. Just because your standard bearers have become economically successful doesn’t mean they should be ashamed of their success. Steal the line from the Neo-cons and applaud their success as the epitome of the American dream not some family secret that you should be ashamed of. By the way, don’t feel the need to out crazy the republicans. If you respond to every xenophobic or homophobic comment from your opponents with something equally stupid and hateful, it makes it real hard to determine which position is actually the lesser of the two evils.
I guess what I am really asking for is for people to be morally consistent. If your guy says something stupid, call him out. If the other guy says something smart, give him props. Lets get back to actually trying to find solutions to our problems and end this Kindergarten turf war over political positions.
Let’s play fair. The electoral college is not a great invention when your guy wins via it and a totally unfair device when the guy from the other party uses it to gain the presidency. Hypocrite, party of four, your table is ready. It is an equally archaic notion regardless of who has the advantage. It is also something that is a complete mystery to most Americans because it involves the two things that Americans have no knowledge about, math and how the government works. So how about we stop trying to legislate people’s sexual tastes and start working on this abomination. While we are talking about the rubiks cube that is our system of government, there is one more piece of misinformation that spreads like meningitis every election season and I am sick of hearing it. WE ARE NOT A DEMOCRACY. We are a representational republic. If we were a democracy, farting in an elevator would be a capital offense and the State of the Union would be delivered by President Beiber. Instead we have chosen the more rational and reasonable form of government but often our elected representatives seem to forget that.
Speaking of rationality, and it’s recent scarceness, can all sides stop with the fearmongering and demigoding every issue. Republicans, the liberals do not want to tax you at 100% and use the money to fund bestiality. Democrats, the conservatives do not want to execute you just because you make less than $200000 per year. So can we stop this irrationality and respect the healthy difference of opinion that an open society demands and maybe even once in a while come to a compromise about the issues facing our nation. I know it’s a novel idea but how about honoring the moderate position and not just when you need their votes to win an election.
I realize I am getting a little preachy but here are my rules to civil governance.
1. Do not use the term, “Take back our country” unless we have been invaded by aliens.
2. Do not make authoritative comments about a woman’s reproductive organs unless you have a medical degree …or a vajayjay.
3. Do not promise future governmental handouts in return for promised votes. That is not democracy, it’s prostitution.
4. Avoid unsubstantiated blanket accusations about your opponents. Reserve these fabrications for explaining to your boss why you can’t come to work on Monday.
5. The other guy winning is not the end of the American way of life. Our country has survived 4 depressions, numerous recessions, 4 presidential assassinations, 2 world wars, 2 worldwide influenza outbreaks, a civil war and death of Elvis. So trust me, we will be o.k.
I hope everyone can respect my opinions and see politics for what they truly are, just personal tastes. So save your hate for the important things, like your allegiance to your favorite college football team.
But if you are going to add me to your enemies list, do me a favor………
And spell my name right.


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