Hell to the Chief

Politics, n:  [Poly “many” + tics “blood-sucking parasites”]  ~Larry Hardiman

They say that politics is the second oldest profession that has an uncanny similarity to the first oldest profession. Well since I have decided to change professions and my bad knees make walking the streets a less than acceptable option, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring. So it is now that I, with great patriotic fervor and as many meaningless cliches as I can muster, announce my candidacy for the office of mayor….no, governor…..um is Sith Lord an elected position? No,really? O.k.,o.k. I guess I will just run for president. But before I sell my soul, I mean present my great solutions to the American people, I would like to make a few changes to the entire political system first. Cause trust me, it needs a lot of tinkering.

First of all, let me profess my love for the American political system. It is a great country and the freedoms that we have should never be taken for granted. In the little over 2  centuries that have passed since its founding, we have survived dangerous influences from both outside as well as from within to make us the nation we are today. This is mostly due to those great heroes of virtue that we call our founding fathers. These were great men  that many people believe are without reproach and you should not alter a single thing they did or said. Except for the whole slavery part….oh yeah and the part where women were treated as property……and oops sorry about us trying to kill off all the Indians…..and that “Irish need not apply” thing……. and they hated the Catholics….and the Jews…..and don’t forget most of them were not actually what we today would refer to as ” religious christians”. However, the biggest problem I have with the founding fathers has to do with their fashion sense. I mean really , Knickers and powdered wigs? I think not. None of this makes what they did any less remarkable but it also shows the fallibility of them as men and that the things they did may need to be changed in light of the progress we have made as a nation. It is kind of like that great dog you had as a kid, you still love him but it doesn’t mean you still don’t remember how ticked you were at him when he chewed up your baseball mitt. So here are a few of my proposals to make what I like to call Democracy 2.1

The whole “right to vote” is great and all but quit acting like your one vote makes a damn bit of difference. It’s called the electoral college and no that’s not what I would refer to as a party school. Simply put, it means that a select group of electors cast the votes that are tallied to elect the president and each elector may vote for the candidate  that the state he represents has popularly chosen, or he may cast a huge middle finger to the wishes of his state and vote for whomever the hell he chooses. Ain’t democracy great?

The ” one man one vote” idea is a concept whose time has past. If I can cast 2000 votes for the talentless hack that scammed the system to make into the final of American Idol, then I should be able to vote just as many times for the next leader of the free world.

We have got to jazz up the whole election process. I really enjoy how the Rock  The Vote people run out a bunch of random rock stars to encourage me to vote. Thank you other guy in Wham, I really appreciate how you have educated me on the importance of my civic duty. Although it is nice to see celebrities perform public service that was not ordered by a court, I am not sure if they really should be encouraging people to do anything other than quit illegally downloading their latest c.d. Be that as it may, the reason for these musical heavy hitters to do these ads is to show the young voters how cool the whole voting experience can be. Well Mr.  Idealistic 18 year-old first time voter, prepare for disappointment. There is absolutely nothing rock and roll about about waiting in line on a November day until some octogenarian version of Elsa the female Gestapo checks your i.d. and lets you into the basement of some run-down public library so you can go behind a moth eaten curtain left over from the Spanish American war and randomly choose the names of politicians, who you may or may not of ever heard of. At least we use the most cutting edge technology in our voting process., pulling a lever. Nice to know our entire political process is relying on a mechanism that resembles the board game Mousetrap. Since we are letting Milton Bradley control the machinery of our Democracy, I select all of my candidates based on what number is shown on my game of Pop-a-matic Trouble. We can do better than this people. If major league baseball can trust the internet do select its all star team then shouldn’t we be able to do so for our yearly elections. I know that the concern is and always has been about the security of voting online and the inherent fraud that the internet is known for. Have you seen the way we are electing people lately? It isn’t exactly that the machine of our republic is running on all cylinders. At least on the internet you expect to get scammed. I mean honestly is there that big of a difference between the Nigerian Lottery email and the majority of our candidates? They both bother you at the most inconvenient times, are pretending to be someone that they are not , and promise to give you things that you know are never going to happen. Oh my lord, I just described every member of congress. We go into every election knowing that we are about to get screwed. If that is the way its going to be, put it on the web so I can at least soften the blow with some free porn and funny cat videos.

Now that we have tightened the crescent wrench around the lug nuts of the voting process, let’s talk about candidates. I know you think whatever guy is running against your particular candidate is the devil incarnate destined to pilot our country straight to hell, but I have a little bit of news for you. Your candidate sucks too. Its not your fault. It’s just that thanks to the huge amounts of money in politics and the power involved, all the candidates suck. They are either big money guys bought and sold by major corporations or they are false-populists who see getting elected as a way to fame and influence. And attention to both libs and conservatives, both are the wrong guy. People ask why we don’t get better politicians. The answer is simple. Because, we don’t look for them in the right place. The majority of our elected officials are either lawyers or businessmen, not exactly the two classes of people known for high moral values. And neither class looks to change their stripes any time soon. Have any other fields produced solid political figures? Well, there are actors. Despite what your feelings may be about his policies, Ronald Reagan seemed like a good man and was a talented politician but was the exception rather than the rule. Remember that even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. Since Reagan’s exit from the political stage , the other actors to join the fray has not been shall we say noteworthy. We even elected someone from LoveBoat, no not Captain Stubbing, nor Doc, and not even Isaac the Bartender. No siree, they elected Gopher to Congress. That’s just sad. But wait there is even one worse than that. That great state of Georgia elected Ben Jones to represent them in Washington. Ben Jones? Yeah, that’s right. Cooter from The Dukes of Hazard was a member of the national legislature, seems only fitting. Hell we even elected half of Sonny and Cher to political office, and it was Sonny. You remember Sonny Bono. He was the short mustached guy that tried to blow up the shuttle in Airplane 2. I need to give some slack to Sonny. First of all for actually being married to Cher and not killing her and secondly due to the fact that he died shortly after taking office when he skied into a tree while on vacation. Dear Lord, I know that I will probably not die with dignity but please, I ask that I do not die in a way that resembles a Wile. E. Coyote cartoon. Amen.

Now, on to my own candidacy. It is now that I declare myself a candidate for President of the Federation of Planets…er I mean the United States of America. I have decided to run because I believe that a country gets the politicians that it deserves. And let’s face it America, we deserve each other. Its like America was misbehaving and I am here to be your national version of Timeout. Why vote for me? Do I have some grand plan for the future? No. Do I guarantee economic stability? Not really. Do I have a clue what I will do? Nope. But unlike most politicians I have a unique qualification that makes me electable. I tell the truth. Do I have skeletons in my closet? Yes I do. Are their embarrassing pictures of me on the internet? Absolutely. Do I drink too much and drop f-bombs at inappropriate times? You betcha. The difference is that I won’t lie to you about it. We expect politicians to fix so much of America’s problems that they are doomed for failure. My solution is to drive down expectations. Here is what I promise to America:

  • I promise if elected that I will wear a paper hat that says “Trainee” for the first two years of my term.
  • I promise not to blame my mistakes on the previous administration but rather on the family of trolls that inhabit the west wing of the Whitehouse.
  • I promise to not spend the government’s money on fancy inauguration balls but rather on the most kick ass keg party in history.
  • I promise that the to bring back the real N.F.L. refs
  • I promise to pick Lindsey Lohan to be my running mate. It’s time to put the vice back in Vice-President.
  • I promise that I will actually admit it when I am wrong.
  • I promise to replace the Star Spangled banner with a song people actually can sing.
  • I promise that every football game gets a flyover
  • I promise to make being a Kardasian a federal offense.
  • I promise to move the capital from Washington to Disney world. It’s called Main Street U.S.A for a reason. Besides, if we are going to have a Mickey Mouse government, we ought to be where he is.
  • I promise to eliminate school uniforms from every school in the country. I will remove the thugs from our schools not just make them wear khakis.
  • I promise to help with the federal deficit by having all services be on a pay per use basis. Call out the police, you get a bill. Need the fire department, you get a bill.  Alaska invaded by Russia, in lieu of a bill I will ask that the Russians just keep Sarah Palin.
  • I promise to insist that the auto industry not make electric cars. I will demand that they make FLYING electric cars.

I am sure there will be other promises made later. I figure now all I need is a really good slogan. Let’s see. From what I have seen, all you need is a good cliche and you are in. Hope and Change? Taken. I like Ike? No, my names not Ike. Lefty loosy righty tighty? No seems too alliterative. I think I have it.

“At least we ain’t Canada. Vote Johnson 2012”

Good night and God Bless America.


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