The Rabbit was the lucky one

Well, welcome back class. I hope you had enough time to fully absorb all the nuggets of parenting wisdom that we covered yesterday. I am sure you have lots of questions about yesterday’s lessons on the whole lecture involving pregnancy and childbirth. Questions like: “What’ the hell is wrong with you?” and “Don’t you have better things to do that fill the interwebs with your incoherent ramblings?” I am sorry but please save all questions until the end of the lesson.

You have somehow managed to survive the whole ordeal that is modern-day childbirth. You now have a beautiful addition to your family. However you notice one minor problem. In all the hundreds of sheets of paper that the hospital gave you at check-out,  each one containing the words,”Please remit.” There was nothing that could be interpreted as operating instructions for your little one. Hell, even Ikea gives you instructions when you buy something. Fear not, noobie. I am here to guide you through the minefield that is parenting. And just like an actual minefield, changes are that you will lose a limb by the time you emerge from it. So before we get into the nitty-gritty of the decisions that will ultimately decide which direction  your child’s life will take, we need to cover somethings about how your life has changed.


You ain’t getting any, so deal with it.


Refer to comment about sleep. Sorry Mr. Stud, but after spending a day of heating bottles, strapping herself into a piece of equipment that is usually reserved for dairy farms and learning that the infant body can produce solid waste in every color in the spectrum, the last thing she wants to do is put up with your ham handed advances. So do her a favor, take the baby for a walk and leave her alone with her copy of “50 Shades of Gray”.


In order for your family to function properly, you must have  firm trust in each other. But since you get to go back to work and she has to stay at home feeling like the understudy to the lady on “19 Kids and Counting“, it is best if you not tell her the complete truth. If you feel the need  to tell her about Cinnamon, the new girl in accounting or how you were stuck in traffic because the bus for the Swedish Bikini Team broke down, you might want to remind yourself that this is a lady under a lot of stress who both knows where you sleep and where you store the big knives in the house.

Postpartum depression

This is basically just buyers remorse. You bought a car without the carfax report and now you are not sure if you can return it before the first payment is due. The voice of experiences tells me to inform you that hospitals do not offer cash refunds nor do they offer store credit. Hell, it’s easier to return an open d.v.d. at Best Buy than it is to send a baby back. Babies are like purchasing swimwear. Once you leave the store, it’s your forever.

O.k., now that those little details are covered and you and your partner are confident in the guidelines to your new relationship, it’s time to cover what you need to know in order to raise a child that won’t be featured on “America’s Most Wanted“.


Perhaps you have been lucky enough to have been blessed with a double dose of baby bliss. Although your joy has been doubled, there are some special considerations to concern yourself with. The best things about having multiples is that you now have the ability to apply the scientific method to your parenting process because you have one to act as the control group and one as the experimental group. You also have the bonus of doubling your chances that no matter how badly you screw up one of the kids, the other one has a pretty decent chance of surviving intact. You are also a very considerate parent if you have twins because you have given each child someone to fight with, without leaving the house. And nothing does better for a kid’s self-esteem than having someone they hate that looks just like them. Unfortunately, therapists do not offer any kind of “Buy one Get one free” offer.

Child proofing your home

Having a little one in your house now means that you must ensure that your home is a haven of safety and security. It’s a great time to cover that gaping hole in your living room floor because toddler’s don’t have quite the depth perception that they need. I highly recommend that your put quality locks on all bedroom doors because there is nothing more awkward that trying to convince your child that what he walked in on was just you and your spouse preparing for the Olympic sport of “naked wrestling”.  Also I should probably remind you that a child’s toy box makes a really crappy gun safe, but it makes a great place to keep your pet snake while you are cleaning the cage. Additionally, I know they are great containers, but refrain from using old Enfamil  containers to store rat poison. They are too big.


When you finally do return to work in an attempt to fill that sucking void that is your bank account, you will need to find a quality professional to care for your child. A warning: do not think that leaving your kid in your car with the windows cracked is a good alternative to daycare. Spit-up really ruins the resale value. You want to choose someone who is warm and loving, but not better than you. You have to ensure that in the wolfpack of people who know your child, you must always maintain alpha-dog status. Daycare is expensive so you have to find ways to cut costs. If you have a big family,  passing the kid off to random relatives on a daily basis may help alleviate some of the costs. Check out the local police blotter and see if any daycare are currently under investigation because that really increases your bargaining power. No matter how great the deal may seem, you should probably not trust the guy on the interstate off ramp with the “Will babysit for  food” sign.

Mythical Figures

There is always a lot of debate on whether you should allow your child to believe in figures like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. I find these characters to be harmless to children so I advocate the belief in them. However, I also believe that you should create mythical characters unique to your own home because these can teach valuable lessons. I use Sprinkles the Meth Addict Clown to show the dangers of drugs and Spectre the Invisible Flying Zombie that will steal your soul if you don’t eat your peas.

Older Siblings

I know that this is your first child but do not undervalue the benefits of referencing some unseen older child to keep your kid on the straight and narrow. Children will always obey your wishes if they have a reason to believe that you murdered and/or  sent away a previous child  for failing to do so.


Why be the only one that gets that gets to yell at your child? Children need to learn at an early age that we live in a Darwinian culture where the strong torment the weak for others amusement and nothing teaches that lesson better than sports. It also helps with the youth’s vocabulary to hear you blast obscenities at the referee/umpire/ opposing coach/own coach/ priest who gave the opening prayer.

There are so many things that one needs to know to successfuly raise a child but I hope these give you a good foundation to work from(testify about) and I wish you many happy years of parenthood( I hope the trial goes well).


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