Agony of Defeat

It is that time. Time for that event that although it doesn’t actually affect the life of the average American, every four years we are supposed to act like we care.Thanks to the mass media that infiltrates so many aspects of our lives, we are force fed the event and all its sordid characters. It is truly unpleasant this time around due to the way big business has injected its influence so that the average citizen has very little impact on the ultimate outcomes. You know what I am speaking of right? Hell No! Its not the presidential election. The Freemasons and the Illuminati have already scripted out what’s going to happen in that whole deal. I am talking about something slightly more distasteful, the Summer Olympics.

Ah, the games of the….um….let’s see…..the “x” is ten and the “v” is five and if it’s on the left you subtract, or was that add….or maybe you multiply by the “I”…..Damn you roman numerals. Let’s just call it the London Games. It is so sad that a culture that I really admire has been saddled with this monstrosity. For it is the time when people who don’t follow sports pay attention to events which aren’t really sports.

Let me see if I can simplify my complex emotion and psychological impressions about the Olympic Games: I will start my saying, “they” and finish by saying,”suck”. The whole Olympic deal is a farce and waste of airtime that the networks should be devoting to video footage of millionaire N.F.L. players stretching their hamstrings and playing catch in shorts. Heck, my disdain for the Olympics is so great it almost makes me want to watch major league baseball, almost.

My biggest problem with the Olympics is how they are such a waste of natural patriotic pride.There is already a great way to determine which country has the most valiantly patriotic athletes and citizens. Its called war. And don’t give me that whole peacenik pablum about the games being a pacifistic way to ensure the brotherhood of all men. The modern Olympic movement started in 1896, and in the century since, it isn’t like warfare has had to have a “going out of business” sale. For pete’s sake, they even let the Nazis be the home team for one Olympics. That’s like having a benefit concert for victims of heat stroke and then holding it in the Sahara Desert. Nice idea but really bad execution. The bad news is that the Olympics could function as a kind of Warfare March Madness if we could just get them to get rid of the wussy weapons the use in these “events” . Javelins? Shot Puts? Bow and Arrow? We are talking about world domination, not killing a wildebeest. I am sure someone will mention the shooting sports. I am sorry but in order for me to respect a shooting competition you are going to have to stop using the guns that look like they were bought at Captain Jack Sparrow‘s garage sale.

The thrill of victory has been replaced by the unimaginative and the unwatchable. Here is my rundown of the travesties..I mean Olympic events:

I have a special level of hatred reserved for the “sports” in the Olympics. Just because you use a ball doesn’t make the event any better than the other “non-ball” events. And to tell the truth, the entire Olympics is a “non-ball” event. In order for me to care about a sport, there are a few guidelines the activity must meet.

  1. Must be played with a ball. Keep you discuseseses and your pucks to yourself ya commies.
  2. Equipment for said sport must be for sale at the local sporting goods store, like Sports Authority and the like. If I can’t buy it at Dick’s, then the people who play it must be.
  3. Americans must be good at it. We did not become the greatest country in the world by wasting our time practicing sports that no one care about, that is Canada’s job.

Water Polo

I get that it may be difficult to tread water while playing a game that is basically aquatic kickball, but you have to lose the goofy headgear and all the referees. I like the idea of a sport where a flagrant foul can result is the use of a Defibrillator.

Land Polo a.k.a. Handball

Oh, so you made up a game for water polo players with aqua phobia . That sure was considerate, but unfortunately we already have a game that is basically water polo on dry land. We call it soccer.


Do we really need yet another worldwide soccer competition? European players already play under more leagues than Captain Nemo. Do we have to have one more?


Sorry Olympics but we already had a world championship and Lebron won it  The only way to improve Olympic basketball is to make it a true exhibition. I would love to watch a game between the Dream Team and five pygmies from Borneo. It would be like watching a giraffe wrestle a squirrel. The outcome would never be in doubt but the competition sure would be interesting.

Table Tennis

You lying bastards. This is just ping pong and we already beat the rest of the world back when Forrest Gump was playing for us.


I can’t complain about a sport that grandmothers can still play.My favorite part is when the N.B.C. commentators have to use the word,”shuttlecock”. It makes me giggle.


It is not an actual wrestling competition unless someone in the event has the nickname, “The Nature Boy”.


The only time this type of Olympic event was interesting was during the games in Atlanta because they were held on the Chattahoochee river. That is right, the same river that they filmed Deliverance on. It is the only Olympics that I have ever been thrown out of for playing the banjo. And I don’t care what security says, telling the team from Belarus that, “they sure have a pretty mouth” is just damn funny.

Modern Pentathlon

You cannot actually refer to your event as “modern” if two of the activities that you are competing in are fencing and show jumping. That is like throwing an abacus down in front of a black-and-white t.v. and calling it a computer.


The only interesting part of this event this year is that Mitt Romney’s mare is at the Olympics. Oh, and I heard he has a horse competing too.

Tae kwon do/Judo

Nice try, but it is not a true martial arts endeavor if you are fighting only one guy at at time. Put Uma Thurman or Jet Li in that contest and they could win all 12 rounds at once. Plus, the Cobra Kai are going to win it all like they do every year. That Johnny Lawrence is a bad-ass.


Wow, lets just go ahead and give the medal to the thing that makes the diving possible. Way to go gravity.

Synchronized Swimming

The only way to make this event interesting is to add a great white shark.


Let me see if I get this straight. I am supposed to watch a bunch of young men and women in skin tight spandex to roll around on the floor and then bounce their nubile bodies all over the gym. No thanks Zandusky, I will pass.

Well, I hope you enjoy the Olympics. I am going to go spend time in a place with less chemically treated bodies than the Olympics. I am going to a Meth Lab.





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