Nickelodeon, The Destroyer of Worlds

Blame Nickelodeon. I think they are the ones at fault. Am I lamenting the  state of popular music and holding the network that gave us Big Time Rush responsible? Not really, although it probably is to blame. Am I accusing the orange blimped network of promoting a Pro Green Slime agenda? Not actually. Do I find them to be the ultimate in evil because they took advantage of a young girl’s out of control ego and actually told that  icarly girl that she can sing? Nah, I find that more funny than anything else. Is it because basically they are a poor man’s DisneyChannel ? Nope, everybody knows that. I am talking about the decay of modern technological advance,  the reason why cancer goes uncured, why all our good gadgets are made in China or Japan or Malaysia or (insert foreign sounding word here), the reason why science in America has become a complete and total joke. Nickelodeon, the channel that gave us a young Alanis Morrisette on You Can’t Do That on Television and through a spunky little character named Spongebob Squarepants  taught us that the Aplysina Fistularis can be a welcome guest in our living room. Despite all this good, their evil act cannot be forgiven, because during the summer of 1990 they cancelled Mr. Wizard’s World. This one act single handedly killed science in our country.

No it was not just another t.v. show. Mr. Wizard’s World  was my first exposure to the scientific method. It is by learning things like how to fit a boiled egg into the neck of an orange juice bottle that science became the love of young men and women all over this land. On the day it went off the air, the quest for scientific achievements also went with it. Why do you think we have gone from a nation inventing the space shuttle to a land of  no goodniks whose only scientific quest involves rousing games of, “Will it Burn?” Just look at what American science has given us lately. Um…Umm….mmmm….That’s right nothing.

Now I can already hear the petrid defense you basic cable apologists may be offering. “What about Bill Nye, the science guy?” Please! Nye was born in Washington, D.C.  Name the last great scientist  to come out of that hell hole. If they had any scientists, maybe they could do something about all the damn Canadian Geese. Don Herbert a.k.a. Mr. Wizard was from Minnesota. You can’t swing a dead moose in Minnesota without hitting a scientist. Why so many scientists in Minnesota? You have to be a scientists to figure how to get rid of all that damn snow. No problems with Canadian Geese in Canada, know why? Because their scientists are so brilliant, they have discguised the state into looking like such a lifeless barren wasteland that even the Canadians won’t come there.

Need more proof? Bill Nye spent his early twenties “studying” at college. Mr. Wizard  spent his twenties killing Nazis as a B-24 pilot in World War II on 56 bombing missions. It’s bad enough that Bill Nye went to college instead of defending his country, and don’t give me that “the war was over before he was born” garbage because if the Bush administration taught us anything it was that if you want a war bad enough you can find one, he actually attending a “prestigious” Ivy League school at Cornell. Dear Prestigious Ivy League school, Remember when you had that janitor that kept solving your most challenging mathematical problems in between cleaning toilets .Do you know who you sent him to in order to unlock his genius? I will tell you. It was Mrs. Doubtfire, with a beard.

So how do we overcome the damage that this “children’s network” has done to us? It won’t be simple but we have to return to the days when our Professors could make a radio out of two coconuts and yet be so focused that he didn’t notice that he had both a “Ginger” and a “Maryanne”  who wanted to “assist him with his experiments”, if you know what I mean. The answer is for the “sliderule and labcoat crowd” to get off their fannies and do some inventin’. However, I understand that these two decades of mourning for the demise of scientific programming may have dulled you inspiration as to what does mankind need to be invented. Well, today is your lucky day. So strap on those safety googles amd fire up that Bunson Burner cause I am giving you a list of things that America needs.

  1. A life sized “like button” for me to carry around and use. I need to be able to demonstrate to people that I enjoy the things they say and find their whimsical descriptions of the funny things their cat does as hilarious as they do. I thought that perhaps the use of hand gestures would accomplish this feat but apparently the extending of one’s middle finger in the middle of a conversation to mark your pleasure at their narratives has had a somewhat negative reaction.
  2. The mosh pit diving bell/ shark cage. Does your adolescent love the hardcore rock concert experience but does have the physical strength to endure what is basically a felony assault version of dancing? He will feel safe and secure a midst the flying fists and thrashing Doc Martens as he says he was in the pit but won’t need the usual post-mosh E.R. visit. If we can develop the technology to keep a year old Jacques Cousteau  safe from Great White Sharks, we should be able to keep little Billy unharmed from 8 rednecks in wife beaters.
  3. Actual Working Gaydar. This is just to avoid the embarrassing situation where you have been buying drinks for a woman all night and at last call you find out that you had zero shot with her because, um…let’s just say she was never eligible for the draft if you know what I mean. A functioning electronic means of discovery would also keep a young woman from inviting a group of  young men with great fashion sense and flawless skin to her and her girlfriends hotel room and find out that they thought they were about to get a lot more that tips on exfoliating. It would be far easier that the written exam I currently hand out at local drinking establishments.
  4. The Sonic Screwdriver. I refuse to believe that the British can invent anything useful before we do.
  5. Birth Control for the Duggar family. For God’s sake, how many effing kids do you need?
  6. Portable Cone of Silence. To be deployed onto that White Caprice Classic with the 24″ inch rims that seems to need to play their music loud enough at stop lights to break glass, nine states away.
  7. Transparent cell phones. Would enable parents to see their teenage daughters faces more often than we do now.
  8. Advanced Avian Behavior Modification. A series of medicines and supplements that would allow Sonny the Cuckoo to calmly enjoy Cocoa Puffs cereal with out freaking out like a guy on a four day meth bender. if successful, could also be applies to the Trix Rabbit.
  9. Cloning for the Thesaurus. Cause I really like dinosaurs. Oh, what? Its like a dictionary? That just sucks.Damn public schools.
  10. A TiVo  for the conversations with bosses and parents. Would let us just skip to the parts where they tell you that you were wrong.
  11. Ingested Micro laser. Single tablet application that would  eliminate the alcohol content of the last beer/Cosmo/ Flaming car bomb that you consumed because unfortunately I never realize that I have had one too many until…I have had one too many.
  12. A coffee carafe that doesn’t drip. Because I am tired of changing shirts twice every morning.
  13. Something that both kills us..and makes us stronger. May also assist in the ability to both fish..and cut bait.

O.k. now science, the ball is in your court. If you need any more assistance I will be over here trying to fix what happened to literacy since they cancelled Reading Rainbow.


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