Stupid is our business, and business is good.

The Aztecs were a powerful civilization. In all of Mesoamerica, no group of people was able to compete with the Aztecs in terms of technological development. They ruled Mexico for centuries without interruption. The Pax Azteca met with a disastrous end in 1521 when Hernando Cortes came a calling.Like a colonizing ice cream truck, he came in a fancy uniform and offering wonderful treats. But, the next thing you knew the Aztecs were left to explain their horrible ordeal to an detective from SVU . Prior to their obliteration by Hernando “Mr. Softee” Cortes, the Aztecs had created a complex system of religious practices. The most important of these was the selection, by a high priest, of a lovely young maiden or man who would be sacrificed to the gods. I would tell you the name of these gods but spell check prohibits me from putting that many consonants together in anyone word, but I digress. It is amazing that after all these centuries,  this practice has continued to be practiced. I am not talking about the selection process the high priest used, but rather the actual sacrifice. We have given it a truly horrible name. We call it,” looking for a job.” And having your heart ripped out while tied to the top of a pyramid deep in the Mexican jungle was, no doubt, less painful than the agony job seekers are put through today.

“So tell me about your prior work experience.”

So break out your best “funeral suit” and put on some socks ya hippie cause we are going job hunting for todays’ “the things I have learned”:

I hate looking for employment. It is an invasive and degrading process. It’s like being a prostitute. You walk around, answer a lot of stupid questions, have to bargain for money and in the end you know you are going to get screwed.

The first step in procuring employment is perusing the want ads.If you are thinking your best move is to sit down and read the employment section of your local newspaper, I have a bit of advice for you.It is no longer 1937 and that was the last year that newspapers were actually relevant. So unless you have a birdcage to line or need to wrap up some Precious Moments figurines, don’t waste your money on the local fishwrap. The only legitimate job listings are for the jobs at the newspaper.Its called a personal computer, look into it.

Now that you have dragged your ass out of the Roosevelt era, you are ready to start your search. A good first site to visit is Monster.com. However, if you are not actually interested in selling Avon… or plasma you better keep cruising. There is Careerbuilder, which if you give them your email address you will refer to as Spam-a-lot. “Hey lighten up on the junk email”. I am looking for work, not trying to find the pharmaceutical recipe to turn me into Dirk Diggler. Personally I like the job board at Indeed. Because after reading it  you will say,” There are indeed a lot of jobs out there far crappier than mine”.

A bit of warning about the online job ads. There is more direct honesty contained in the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist than there are in most job listings. However, let me be your Rosetta Stone as you translate the hieroglyphics of the job ads.

Hiring Executive Position= We ran out of megalomaniacs, so we are looking for more.

Hiring Financial Executive=The CEO didn’t make parole

Hiring Midlevel Manager= You are going to work more hours than God

Hiring Entry Level Position =You will get paid so little, you won’t notice the complete lack of benefits.

One more warning about ads. If the ad reads,” Sicilian family run “Insurance”, Waste Management and Casino Operations business seeks LOYAL team player due to recent…er…termination”, you might not want to send that resume in .

Ok, you have found the position you want to apply for, it is time to start working on that résumé. The most important thing about your résumé is honesty. Avoid it all costs. Go ahead write down the truth, give yourself one example of the soul sucking abyss your career has been up to this point. Would you hire someone who was too lazy to embellish their own resume? That’s whats killing America, people have lost the drive to pretend they are someone who they are not. And let’s face it, do you want to create, in your boss, the expectation of honesty from you as an employee? If you start off by being honest, you are going to really hate yourself when you have to come up with that fake “sick voice” and say its “food poisoning” when you wake up one Monday too hung over to go to the office. I am disappointed enough at myself, I don’t need it from the guy that signs my paycheck. Plus the company has already lied to you about how great the job is. If you don’t lie back to them you are not holding up your end of the relationship. Its like two magicians on a date. If she pulls a rabbit out of her hat, you damn sure better pluck a canary from your coat pocket.

“So, you used to work at the White House?””

So go ahead and embellish away, don’t think of it as a résumé. Think of it as the Great American Short Story. So refer to your time spent in jail busting rocks as your tenure in the employment of the government  working in the mineral industry. He’s not Guido your drug dealing cellmate. He is Mr. Antonelli, your professional reference who works in the pharmaceutical sciences.The great thing is that your are already improving the economy before you have even been hired. Due to the fact that you never know which phone call may be a call back from the 200 resumes you sent out, you end up having to deal with the telephoning bill collectors that you have been avoiding since the mid-1990s.

So you have managed to land an interview, now what? It is time to prepare. First “google” the company and find out how many states currently have active criminal/civil cases pending against your potential employer. Present this information to the interviewer and explain to them that they are not gaining a new employee. They are losing a potential witness for the prosecution.Also, you would be amazed how much your bargaining power increases thanks to a picture of the CEO, a goat and a little Adobe Photoshop.

Interview time is here. Dress for success.Don’t wear a suit. If you need a job, why would you dress like you on your way to your own private jet. You are broke, look the part. I suggest you send the message of desperation by the clothes you wear and nothing says,”I am pathetic” like ripped overalls or some homemade jorts made by cutting the legs of your mom’s jeans. The homelier you make yourself, the closer you are to being welcomed to the company.

You are now ready to head to the interview. Remember that most companies live by the motto,”Those who can, do. Those who can’t, manage. Those who can’t manage, work in the Human Resources department.” Therefore, you can anticipate certain questions that the mouth breathers in H.R. are too lazy not use. Here are some answers that I use to really stand out.

Q:  Why do you want to work here?

A: Because I am all out of paperclips and copy paper at my house.

Q: Tell me what you know about our company?

A: Based on the people who run your H.R., it’s pretty clear that this place will hire damn near anybody

.Q: Tell me about yourself.

A: I am a nearsighted claustrophobic hermaphrodite with mad learning disabilities…and I am rocking one leg!

At this point in the interview, talk will center on your ability to pass the company’s background checks. If they ask about your arrest record, respond with “NO, the pigs ain’t caught me yet.” or say,”No, I don’t have a criminal record…under THIS NAME.” When they explain that the drug test will go back 30 days, it is a good idea to say out loud,” Let’s see, Jimmy’s party was on the 4th and today is the 15th, so that’s 1,2,3,4,5,….”Probably a good idea to mention your “glaucoma” that you got that medicinal marijuana in your pocket for.Remember that a job interview is like professional bull riding. It doesn’t matter the style you do it with. It’s all about lasting as long as you can.

So you head home and wait for the call to tell you if you have the job. And you wait, and you wait. And you start to forget while you even bothered to look for a job in the first place. That’s when you remember the best part about being unemployed: As soon as you wake up, you are already on the job.

“This isn’t the job you are looking for”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s