But wait, there’s more…….

We have all been there. The detective is about to name the killer. The tearful young woman has decided to name which man she is going to marry. The winner of best picture is about to be named. Maury is about to tell the delightful young man with the Bocephus tattoo and no teeth whether of not he is the father. Your pulse quickens, the excitement builds, and then it happens. The screen fades out and you are thrown into the abyss. To quote Ralphie,” a crummy commercial…sumbitch”. So here is this mornings “the things I have learned”…right after these important messages from our sponsors:
Now, I understand the way commercial television works. The programs have to have paid advertising spots to provide the revenue to continue to provide the cutting edge quality that American television has become. In no way do I advocate the removal of these sponsor messages and the adoption of the public t.v. model. I was really enjoying the Ken Burns’ Civil War and now I am subjected to a 20 minute interruption by some holier-than-thou “program director” with a faux British accent while he tries to guilt me into giving money to the channel that I only watch once a month. And the gratuitous shots of the “volunteer” phone bank. You know, 8 geriatric ladies in folding chairs sitting in front of rotary telephones while off camera the orderly from their nursing home acts out a non verbal message that implies,” No donations. No medicine”
This isn’t a fundraiser, it’s a hostage situation. No! I don’t need a coffee mug. If I wanted one, I would just steal it from the break room at work like I always do. Furthermore, I don’t need a tote bag. I get plenty of free ones every time I go shopping. There are white plastic and say “Target” on the side. And don’t tell me what a value they are when you are dinging my bank account for $60.00 a month. If I want a “value” like that I will go shopping at a convenience store at the airport. At least there, they admit they are ripping me off. Come on, can we please get back to the program, I want to know what happens to President Lincoln when he gets to Ford Theater.
Since we have established the fact that commercials are necessary, we just need to find a way to make them more palatable. First of all, can we please reset the volume to match the volume of the program I am already watching. For God sakes, when I am watching the evening news and its time for the weather, Tim Deegan isn’t talking at 231 decibels higher than the rest of the anchors. Let’s also eliminate the yelling sales pitch. Even kindergartners can learn to use their inside voice then why can’t the guy selling the slice-o-matic. So no more yelling unless the product you are selling is a product that actually helps you yell because that would just seem like a reasonable endorsement. Now about the infomercials, ENOUGH ALREADY! They should have been buried when Billy Mays was, because Billy was the only one that made them worth watching. Hey Slap-Chop guy, if you are going to get arrested for hitting a prostitute, you might want to make sure that you don’t pitch a product with the words”slap” or “chop” in the title. As a Directtv customer I hate the 30 minute descents into hell more than most. I will be cruising the guide and I will see a title that should be an awesome show and it ends up being an infomercial. If you call the show,”The Insanity Workout “, I expect to see a guy in a chicken suit shoving quarters up his nose while he does push ups in a vat of mayonnaise, not some roid raging meat head doing jump squats in a singlet.
Now about the exercise crap you keep pushing on us. First of all Debby Boone, I am not buying your “you light up my life” fitness system because if you are going to push something based on that one hit you had back in the 70s, it should be,I don’t know, maybe a light. Secondly the only reason that ppl would go to Debby Boone is that they are big fans of the other Boone in the family, Daniel. I am sure someone is ordering her system because in their mind they think she is Karen Carpenter and that girl knew about weight loss. Sorry Deb, but after ordering Nena’s “99 Luftballoon Fitness” and Kajagoogoo’s “Too Shy Yourself Thin” I am all tapped out. Besides, its supposed to be a work-out program, not VH1s Where Are They Now. Furthermore, I enjoy being a chunky american and as long as I don’t recognize myself as one of those ppl they film from the neck down on those obesity in America segments on the news, I think I am doing ok. I wouldn’t mind the fitness too much if they claims weren’t so bogus. “The Ab-Rocker is 85% more effective than regular sit ups.” Yeah, if you do them while eating a double cheeseburger and drinking lard. It also doesn’t help that these companies make poor choices of their “celebrity” endorsers. No matter how tough you may be Chuck Norris, there is no way to make Christie Brinkley relevant. Hey Christie, if you weren’t hot enough for Billy Joel to keep you around , and he looks like a troll, good luck thinking you can con me into spending $100.00 for something to lean against my bedroom wall and hang my t shirts on. Bruce Jenner? I was a big fan of your Wheaties Box but that’s about it. Your chin has gotten more tucks than a bed at the Motel 6 and although I admire that you can share the same air as the Kardasi-twits and still remain fairly virus free, I am not going to you for fitness advice.
It would help, I think, if all these products would come with the needed accessories when they are shipped to you. You know, like those little blank price tags hanging on them so they are ready to be unloaded on some rube at your next yard sale. So when it comes to the AB-Belt, the AB-roller, the Ab-master, the AB-dominator, I am going to AB-stain from purchasing it.
No doubt one of the problems is the way they demonstrate these products. I don’t care if the Ginsu knife can slice through paper. I have a special tool for doing that, they are called scissors. What’s up with showing the effectiveness of knives by displaying how they can hack through things in mid air? Wow, I must have a “fancy” kitchen cause mine has a counter top. I am really impressed Mr. Popeil that your crappy knives can cut through a tin can, a nail and then slice a tomato but unfortunately I don’t have a recipe for nail, tomato and tin can salad. Let’s face it, thin serrated knives are only good for two things, tightening that tiny screw on your sunglasses and making a prison shank.
In my younger days, I remember making my one infomercial purchase. After a long night of enjoying the quality items one could purchase at Mike’s Beer Barn, I was exposed to a product called the Bamboo Steamer. It promised to reveal the natural flavors of you food in a healthy way. After ordering and waiting the 4-eternity weeks for it to arrive(should have paid for express shipping)I was so happy to try it out. Boy, it did reveal the foods’ natural flavor! Unfortunately that natural flavor was the flavor of bamboo which is fine if I was having a dinner party for pandas, but sucks for those of us who don’t enjoy the taste of wood pulp. And returning it? It is easier to return a two year old bathing suit that was worn by an incontinent homeless man than to get the company to take back their piece of crap.
Oh well, gotta go. I hear the UPS truck outside and I can’t wait to open my Stompees.

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