Looking inward

We have all had that same dream. Its the falling uncontrollably as if you were Wile E. Coyote at the mercy of yet another faulty ACME product. Its the showing up for work dream when everybody knows its Saturday but you. Its the grade school dream where you are not prepared for the test that seems to be the most important one in the world, oh and you are naked. I was all set to do some little nonsensical rant about insignificant things and how ridiculous they can seem to us. But I can’t because I had that dream today and the problem was that I wasn’t even asleep. That feeling of being totally unprepared was staring me in my face and I was completely stripped of any pretense of knowing how to react. But rightly or wrongly, I did react. In my reaction, I found today’ post in slightly modified form. I hope its not too boring, but here it is. Its not really “the things I have learned”, its the “answer I already knew”. The question is: Who am I?
I am the guy with the non phonetic name. I was born into a world several decades too late for I would have been far more at home with the moral clarity of the the era around World War II than I am in the 50 shades of gray(no not the novel) world of post 9/11 America.I drop “f bombs” far too often and say “I love you” and “thank you” not often enough. I want to take care of everyone but don’t do the things necessary to take care of myself. I feel frustrated that too many ppl don’t know me as well as I would like and yet i push away those that try to get to know me better. I believe in God and want to be an active church attender but I don’t. My feeling about religion are similar to my feelings about golf, I really enjoy the sport but find that I loathe the egotism of other golfers. I love other ppl but deep down I don’t love myself enough. I need ppl to help me, but feel it is a failure to have to ask for assistance. I love to cook and am pretty good at it. I like the feeling of cleaning the house and making it feel like a home. However, its hard to do these these things in a world that deems both those traits to be emasculating. I want my family and my friends to be happy but I get frustrated at not being able to make that happen. I like gummy bears. I believe everyone has a certain “age” that they will always see themselves at regardless of whether the calendars may say otherwise. My age is 14. I love to drive. I constantly over analyze everything I do but never plan my actions in advance. I believe in true love. I want to kill men who abandon their families. I like coaching the kids at the park. I want to make a difference. I believe in manners. I hate that I have lost the good friends from high school but am too embarrassed to ask them to be my friends again. I have always loved one woman in my life and she is my wife. My kids keep me alive and keep me from the destructive behaviors i would otherwise do. I am glad that I have some friends that are Gators. I love my country but that doesn’t make me a republican. I like the attention. I wish I was funnier. I feel too deeply and cry too easily. I want to be tougher. I don’t like eggs. I regret with all my heart any time I have ever hurt anyone. I want to be a leader. I love cartoons. There is nothing as painful as seeing my greatest weaknesses being passed along to my children, they deserve better. I wish I was a better father and knew what to do when situations arise instead of having to guess. I like poetry. I wish I could run faster. I hate that can’t take away the pains of my family’s past. I am too much of a pie eyed optimist. I believe things will get better. I am sorry that I am not a better husband. However despite all my weaknesses, I continually try to improve and I will because I never give up. This is who I am but the question remains,”WHO ARE YOU?”


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