I’ll be bahk

I am a geek. Or is it a nerd? Whichever one refers to someone who loves sci-fi then that’s the tag for me. In other earth shattering revelations: water’s wet and men like beer. I can tell you how many parsecs it takes to make the Kesselrun in the millennium falcon and that Jorel was the name of superman’s dad. I know that the only real Batman was Adam West and that the best part of Flash Gordon was the Queen music. I enjoy various types of things within the sci-fi universe from Doctor Who to the short stories of Ray Bradbury. However, today we will travel back to the movie that shaped my life. So say,”hasta la vista baby” to the present cause we are time traveling for a Terminator edition of “the things i have learned”:
If anyone has just woke up from a 28 year coma, I will bring you up to speed. In the not too distant future, which unfortunately is now a date we have already passed, computers become self aware and start a war with humans until the human hero John Connor defeats them. In another one of those “say what” moments, it is revealed that the machines have sent a cyborg played by Arnold Schwarzenegger into the past to kill John Connor’s mother before he can be born. Fast forward to the end, the cyborg is killed, John Connor is born and the war is prevented. Happily ever after, right?
WRONG! Cause let me tell you something buster, the war with machines is on like Donkey Kong and that big monkey is kicking my low tech ass. Let’s start with my biggest gripe about the movie and I ain’t even talking about the whole time paradox thing. In the film, both men and machines have the ability to send things back in time. Problem #1, if i am in the middle of a battle where machines are turning the planet into something that looks like Detroit after dark, the last thing i want to be near is some kind of Ipad that can bend time and space. Problem #2, they have the technology to deconstuct and then reconstruct both organic life and a super-complex killing machine but they both get to their destination buck ass naked. So you are telling me the human organism with its millions of cells was easier to reassemble that a t shirt made of ploy cotton blend. Where the hell did you get this time machine, a nudist colony?
Well enough about the movie, I am here on the front line of the clash with tech and the score is: Technology 212588335 to Tearle 0. Want proof that automation hates me? There is a red squiggly line under my name because apparently the Robot Overlords have decided that I wasn’t trying to spell my name, I was trying to type “Earlene”. Maybe I should just go by the name T-0069. Look, no squiggly line for that.
Its not ever the computers that hate me the most. Take digital clocks for example. When Daylight savings time comes around it takes me a solid hour to get all the clocks corrected and synchronized, but if we happen to spring ahead, I get so far behind in my clock adjustment that by the time I gt them all set, its time to move them back again. And god forbid, we get a blackout or power surge. After the recent storms, I have a total of 9 clocks in the home showing 8 different times. It looks like the command center at the Pentagon. The only problem is that i am not trying to coordinated a drone strike 4 time zones away. The biggest decision in my house is whether we want to pick up the pizza or have it delivered.
My cell phone is also implicated in this technological Arab Spring. I will get to my point of “appiness”, you know, when you have all the apps you want with their icons organized and your contacts up to date and then the damn thing will crap out for no apparent reason. Ok, so I am holding it under water while striking it with a hammer, that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t work. I get the “Force close” message so much, I thought it was my screen saver.It truly gets its revenge on me by having no one call me or text me for days at a time. Oh wait, that’s not cause of the phone its cause I’m a d.b. who writes 2,000 word fb posts at one in the morning that no one finds funny….. Nah, its the phones fault.
I even have to fight the things that don’t have a motherboard despite me trying to help them. I will be vacuuming and the vacuum cleaner will fail to pick up a piece of string. I will give the vacuum 8 or 9 chances to pick up the same string but noooooooooo. So I think that maybe the vac doesn’t know what string is or can’t see it. So, I pick up the string and show it to the vac and yet when I set the string back down the vac still refuses to perform its job. Absolutely unacceptable. Its almost as bad as when the coffee maker shows its insubordination by refusing to make my coffee when I forget to turn it on. DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?
Even the kitchen has become a theater of war. I will be mixing up a cake batter, or be trying to convince the kids that you can drink milk a month past its expiration date if you beat it until frothy with the electric mixer, and all i have to do is move the beaters one inch too high in the bowl and there is batter flying out of there like Bulimics riding the Teacups at Disney. I have probs with the fridge too. I keep putting beers in there and yet I never seem to have enough but our recycle bin is getting fuller every day. At least something around here knows its role.
I think the problem is that we get so emotionally attached to the duties that machines perform. We have all known the pride we feel in the phone that we use to send a really great text or the computer when we “like” a really funny cat photo on fb but the issue remains our inability to connect with our machines to give them the kind of emotion feedback they desire. Why should we waste it all on our kids? However, as part of our negotiated cease fire, I have a solution. I have purchased various sized Mr. Potato Head arms with hands that I am affixing to all the various automated devices in my home. When I refer to someone in a text as “Baron Boobs von Hooter”, I turn the hands up and give it a high five. When i get an phone call that informs me that my credit score has dropped into the single digits, I turn the hands down and smack their wrist. Because if the machines are going to be self-aware, they better learn to deal with shame.
I hope this works because my only other option is to go Amish…..and I look really bad in suspenders.


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