Not quite the Nightly News

Well 12 hours have past since fb shat upon my latest post and i think that its time to let it out of its room and see if it learned its lesson. Oh, so it went on on without me? Well at least it suffered, right? Didn’t it even feel bad about what it did to me? At least I can take consolation in the fact that its stock did poorly today. What do you mean the market is closed on Saturday? I am sure that it is shaking from the fact that Google+ is taking its members from it. So nobody is still using Google+? Thank God there still is Myspace. It sold to who…News Corp? Well I am sure they have sound financial backers to the purchase. Who……JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE???????OMG!!!!!!Hold on let me evaluate things for a minute……………………..still thinking…………………………………………….
Dear Facebook, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Yes I still love you. Come on how about a smile? Who wants ice cream?
Well it is still officially Saturday so I guess we can resume.
It was a beautiful sunny day today and since I cant complain about the heat until it finishes drying up all the flood waters so my thoughts go to the other thing that my mind goes to on sunny Summer days. That’s right. I “feel the need, the need for speed. owwwww” so crank up the Kenny Loggins for our Dangerzone edition of “the things I have learned”: I would really like to find a way to organize these thoughts into something that at least resembles rational human logic. However, every time I try it takes just tiny things to get me sidetracked. SQUIRREL!!!! So i guess this will continue to be more stream of consciousness than chronological. I
I have been watching a lot of weather related news this week and one thing continues to disappoint me. After running stories on t.s. Debby and the blazes in Colorado followed by forecasts of continued hot and cloudless days, I though some weatherman would say, “Well, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain and I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.”
Throughout my time here on earth, there are a few phrases or sentences that i thought I would never hear. Things like, ” Yes Dad, you are right about that” “Thank you for pulling me over officer, I was going way to fast.” and my favorite is ” No Tearle , I don’t think you have been drinking enough beer”. Well at least there is one I can mark off the list. I actually heard a young man proclaim,’ It doesnt matter how the shirt fits, its all about the swagg you wear it with” The young man was at Gander Mountain, speaking to his suspenders wearing father…….about a CAMOFLAGE MUSCLE SHIRT.
“That’s right Iceman, I am dangerous”
So California has banned the sale of foie gras due to the fact that farmers have to produce it through a process that some find too cruel and inhumane to geese. They are wrong. After my confrontation with that hissing nasty ass Canadian goose at the park in Washington, I don’t think we are being cruel enough to geese. Hell, i would send them all to Guantanamo if I could.
After watching a bio on one of the gods of rock and roll, I realized what a profound effect he has had on my life. Thank you, Weird Al. You have made me the man I am.
I am pretty sure that one of the contributing factors to the Cruise/Holmes divorce was Toms friends. No, not the nut-job Scientologists who want to talk about midichlorians or whatever the hell they believe in , but the Hollywood types. Lets face it, there are only so many times that you can open the front door to a shirtless Val Kilmer holding a volleyball before you declare that you have had enough. BTW if you havent seen Val in a while, lets just say that he looks far more like the late Jim Morrison than he would probably like.
I figure that i am enough of a heartless you-know-what that i need to do somethings to sort of even out the Karmic scales so I went and gave blood today. MY trip to the donation center was very educational. First of all I learned that 16 year olds should not be allowed to donate. Not because they are not old enough to make that medical decision but because they take too damn long to fill out the questionnaire. You are writing down your address not a term paper. And I love the questions they ask you, “Since 1977 have you ever exchanged sex for money or drugs?” and we all think about it and then we all lie. Every committed adult in a relationship person has exchanged it for something before. Be it a good meal or a quiet night of watching the ball game. Heck, I bet you that right now there is someone doing an unspeakable act just so they get to pick the movie the next time they go to RED BOX.
Any hooo, I did learn 2 things at the Blood Alliance. First that if there is a first-time donor there, make sure you sit next to him. When the phlebologist rubbed the alcohol swab on my arm and I dropped to the floor and started screaming and yelling, MY WHOLE ARM IS ON FIRE!!!!! I thought the guy was going to poop himself. Secondly, I found out that the place is a great venue to try out my new comedy routines. Everybody is lying down, they all have drinks, they cant get up and leave due to the 4 inch needle in their veins and best of all, everybody is already lightheaded so they are giggling before I even finish the first joke. And when i got out my ventriloquist dummy to do my blue material, the ladies were laughing so hard there habits almost came off.
ok so its now Sunday and i will have to do this again in a few hours so let me close up before i start making Days of Thunder references.Peace


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